the first one • j. hughes

33

Age 13:

Luke and I sat on the dock. On this little part that's got a bit of a gazebo to it before it splits off in a T. The sun was setting but the heat from the day still lingered around. If not in the air, in our sunburnt shoulders and cheeks.

Our siblings had gone to the store with my dad. I was so relieved. Jack had been getting on my nerves. A lot. It was stupid. He'd been making fun of me the whole day. It was making me feel like shit the way he was relentlessly teasing me. Mainly because it reminded me of how a lot of the guys at school would make fun of the other girls. A thing I hated no matter how many times my friends told me it was fine.

It wasn't fine. It would never become fine or cute or endearing like so many girls seemed to think it was. But somehow that wasn't the part that bothered me the most. It was the subject matter. Making fun of how slow I swam, how easy I got thrown off the tube, and all that shit that didn't even matter was fine. That's normal for all of us. But he didn't stop there.

I got a guitar for Christmas and had gotten a few songs down decently in the months I've had it. Mostly love songs. Well, really only love songs. I wasn't super confident with the singing aspect of it but when Quinn asked to hear them, I fully went for it. Jack made fun of the song choices because they were love songs and I hadn't even had my first kiss or a boyfriend. That is what bothered me the most.

It was still bothering me as Luke and I sat watching the sunset. He could tell something was off because he's Luke. I could tell he wasn't sure how to ask what was up because I'm me. I didn't want to tell him straight up. Blurt out, "Oh, hey, you know how I'm totally unkissable and your brother pointed that out a million times? Yeah. That fucking sucked!"

Instead, I came up with: "You're a boy."

"Uh, yeah," he said. "Thought you've known that."

"Shut up." My words were rushed because my nerves were spiking and I could feel it in my gut. "Why... Guys?"

Luke laughed. "What?"

"How do guys choose what girls they want to kiss?"

"Same way girls do?" He laughed again, this one smaller. "I don't know, Ken. This seems like a thing Patton would know."

"You're a guy!"

"I know!" He leaned forward in his chair as he said it.

I slumped back into mine. "Whatever, forget it."

"Why do you care about how guys choose what girls they want to kiss?"

"Because none have chosen me."

"Oh."

"Yeah," I mumbled. "Whatever, forget it. It's dumb."

He shrugged. "It's just, like, who cares?"

"I do."

"Why?"

"I said to forget it. Obviously, you don't understand--"

"No girl's kissed me and I don't care so no, I don't." He froze after that. I had the urge to check if he was actually breathing or not. Except as I leaned forward, he sat up straight. "I have an idea."

"What?" I asked.

"I have an idea but if it's dumb you can't make fun of me and we can forget I said it."

"Only if you forget this whole conversation."

"Fine."

I held my hand out. "Shake on it." Instead of a regular handshake, he dapped me up. Good enough.