the first one • j. hughes

38

Life is shockingly easy with Jack. Sure, he's gone quite a bit and we're not even in the same city to begin with. But it's easy. It's simple. Neither of us has these great, big expectations because we know each other. We've seen every relationship the other's been in. We know each other's boundaries and love styles. Expectations aren't crazy.

I mean, I nearly cried when for our one month Jack sent a bouquet and a lemonade from a road trip all the way on the West Coast. I was expecting something because it's Jack and he loves giving gifts. He loves doing a little bit of extra something for even the smallest of days. He's done it every month since. It's all so easy. It's so natural.

Natural and easy is what I thought my decision about winter break would be. Going home is usually the easiest answer. Jack doesn't really have time to go home. And I've spent a few Christmases without him now and I got used to calling him and that'd be it. The thought of it this year kind of makes my heart hurt. The thought of not going back to Michigan also makes my heart hurt.

"What's up?" Jack asks. He'd been cleaning up the kitchen for the past ten minutes. Now, he's on the counter with his forearms crossed to support him, staring me down.

Jack going away for road trips is fine. I've gotten used to it. It's nothing too bad. Me going away feels so different. I'd be the one gone. He'd be the one not. I'm so used to being the one still there. The one missing someone because they're gone. And now I have this decision to be the one gone.

It could be that storm cloud talking. The one that sometimes feels so small. It grows to be almost overwhelming around holidays and birthdays and weddings. That ridiculous cloud of grief ever since Dad died. It makes so many things difficult for me while everyone else seems to manage so well by now.

"Do you think I should go home for break?" I ask. "I mean, you're here. Luke's here."

"And your mom and siblings are in Mich," Jack says.

My shoulders shrug. "I've never had a Christmas without Luke."

"Or your siblings," he says.

"One of which I'm still very pissed off at even if it's been months," I say with a small laugh. "I don't think she deserves to see me. She hasn't even texted me or called or anything. She has to know by now that I'm pissed. That I know."

"Who would've told her? Penn keeps secrets 'til death. Your mom doesn't know. Luke's ride or die."

I hum. "Quinn?"

"Seriously?" He gives me this look. The same look he gave me when I proposed my backflip on the tube idea. "If Patton keeps secrets 'til death, Quinn takes them to his next ten lives."

He has a point. Why does he have to have a point? Stupid part of dating the guy who's actually known your family longer than you have. Only by 424 days but still. Why does he have to have a point?

"You know I'm right," he says.

"Whatever, dude," I say. "I don't want to see her. She'll ruin Christmas."

"What about Orla's Christmas? Penn's?"

My words shoot out. "What about yours? Luke's?"

There's a silence. He breathes in deeply. Runs a hand through his hair. Uh oh. He's getting mad. My words were admittedly getting a bit snappy. That doesn't mean he needs to get mad at me. Or with me or something. It's too late though. The lecture is incoming.

"I'm all for you putting yourself first," he says. "She's your sister. If I was pissed at Quinn I wouldn't fuck with everyone else's holiday because I think he'd fuck with mine. Orla wants you there. Penn too. And— I just don't get it."

I nod. "Exactly. You don't get it. Brothers are so completely different than sisters."

"I know you and I know Holly and I think you need to stop ignoring her," he snaps the last part. Says it so finally as if he isn't wrong.

"Ignoring her?" I ask then laugh a little. "Ignoring her? She hasn't given me anything to ignore!"

"Be the bigger person and reach out." Jack pushes himself off the counter, now standing with his hands on his hips. Okay, sassy.

I try to match his demeanor. My back straightens out and I cross my arms over my chest. "What happened to everyone's talk about me prioritizing myself for once?"

"I said I'm all for you putting yourself first!"

My eyes roll as another little laugh bubbles up and out. Which doesn't help me in the slightest but I can't help it. This is a ridiculous argument. We don't need to be arguing about this. I literally am offering to not go back home to stay here because he can't go home and neither can Luke and— Now that I think about it, Ki isn't going home either. This seems perfect to me.

Yet he's mad. He's worked up. It's like that time when I was nine and we argued about him getting the blue popsicle when I wanted the red one. He wanted blue. I wanted red. I gave him blue. He got worked up about it despite it being a win-win situation. This kid does not change.

"Okay, whatever," I state. "I'm going to Luke's room. Come get me when you want to talk more. Like a normal person, preferably."

He waits until I'm practically to Luke's room to call after me. "You're the one not being normal!"

Just like the popsicles.