Fantasia

XL

More.

What a Brett thing to say. And what a Brett thing to straight up point out that Eddy's situation was shit. In fact, all this felt so similar to back then, when Brett urged Eddy to fight for his dreams and not stay silent in front of his mum, that Eddy almost snorted out loud.

Instead, he sighed deeply.
"Do you remember what I told you the last time I was here?", Eddy asked quietly.
Brett nodded. "Every word."
"So you must also know why I'm in this situation, right?" Working massive overtime in a job he didn't like and wouldn't have chosen in the first place, far from home with not many friends around...
Brett's features softened immediately and he was by Eddy's side within a fraction of a second.
"Hey, I do know. I can't even start to emphasize what you've given up because of what happened with your mum."
Eddy glanced at Brett's big, honest eyes, showing nothing but solicitude. How did their conversation even take this turn? One second they were talking about the quest for finding Brett in the world of the living and next they were discussing Eddy's sad life. This was about Brett, right? About helping him getting out of here, and not about Eddy's shit.

"But you know, I wasn't the only one you turned your back on that day", Brett said quietly.
"... What do you mean?", Eddy stuttered, the hair on the back of his neck standing up.
"Eddy, the one who really got hurt back then, was you, wasn't it?"

It was like the air in Eddy's lungs got sucked out from the vacuum that suddenly surrounded, eneveloped him. Blinking was impossible, as his eyes widened to the max and he simply stared at Brett, like the words the other had just said were floating there in front of him for Eddy to see, to read, to understand.

The one who really got hurt back then was you, wasn't it?

There it was. The truth, which Eddy had burried the very day when he'd deleted Brett's contact and had decided to withdraw his con application. A fact, which had slowly started to resurface in the recent days, when Eddy had rediscovered his violin, the music, his former passion. When he'd started to ask questions like why and how and what if?

What if he had followed his heart back then?

"But...", he started, when he finally unfroze, "it was my decision... mine alone..."
"You were driven. By pain. And fear", Brett whispered with a nonetheless steady voice.
A silent tear rolled down Eddy's cold cheek as realization, THE realization hit him.
The realization that Brett was right and that Eddy had probably known for the entire time, deep within, what Brett had just so blatantly laid out for him.

Eddy had crushed young Eddy's hopes and dreams for his future back then. Had cut every tie that had connected him with joy, fun, friendship, trust. Had broken his own heart and thus, turned it stone cold in order to shield himself from his pain, be oblivious about it, indifferent. And then, he'd just went on with life and had done what he'd deemed right for his family, most of all, his mother.

No wonder there were no deep relationships in Eddy's life outside his family. He'd made himself believe he'd lose them anyway, like he'd lost Brett. No wonder he didn't strive for more than a well respected career, because next to the usefulness factor his mum always looked out for so much, it was the only thing Eddy let himself chase after. Because it was the only thing he'd thought he'd deserve. The only thing he should work hard for, really.

Eddy had not only turned his back on his best friend that day (which was, apparently, forgiven now), but also on himself!

Eddy gulped as more tears spilled over and blurried his sight. He felt Brett's hand on his shoulder, squeezing it tightly and somehow, that did it.
He couldn't believe that he was starting to straight out wail again, so similar to last night, almost at the same place in the same corridor, surrounded by yellow light. And just like last night, Brett put his violin down and quietly closed his arms around Eddy, like he wanted to shield him from all evil and give him space so he could weep, let go, heal...