Fantasia

LXXXIII

"Mum, I..."
"Yes, Eddy?"

Eddy sighed deeply and pulled the image of Brett's oh so kind face before his inner eyes.

Forgive, so you will be forgiven. A wise principle from the the Book of Books, a commandment even. In this case, Eddy had been forgiven already, so there was only one thing left for him to say.

"Mum, I forgive you."
She hiccupped and sobbed.
"It's okay, mum..."
"No!", she exclaimed high pitched, "No, Eddy! It's not okay. It wasn't okay what I did and what you had to go through."
Eddy's mouth snapped shut. Yeah, she was right. What had happened wasn't okay at all. But...
"I still forgive you."
"You don't need to say it just to make me feel better, son. I know you're angry", she sniffled loudly.
"I was", Eddy admitted openly. No need to hide anything from his mother anymore, he guessed. "And you're right. It's not okay. But I have done stuff that wasn't okay either and I have been forgiven. I want to do the same."
"Oh, Eddy..."
"I gain nothing from holding a grudge and I've spent enough time being miserable. We've lost enough, don't you think?"

Now she was full on crying for real. Eddy felt his own eyes getting watery fairly quickly and drew a sleeve over his nose.
"Son", she managed eventually, "I don't deserve your forgiveness, I really don't."
"That's the thing, mum", Eddy stated, "Maybe, no one derseves it, but we all need forgiveness sometimes. We all fuck up. And I know you wanted nothing but the best for me in the end."
"I did, but I did it in a selfish way."
"You did" he agreed, "and I'm really glad you see that now. But I guess, you were worried about my future and that I would have to suffer. What I've learnt at uni and through work is still valuable. Maybe I can use some of it in the future too. Needless to say, my income allows me to actually quit without having a plan. I should have done this long ago."
"You... were you so unhappy?"
"Well", Eddy hesitated. Should he really tell her how he'd been doing? She'd seen and sensed some of it, but not to the full extent. After all, he was still good in hiding stuff from her.
However, they'd come this far already. It was only fair for her and for himself if he'd laid out the whole truth.
So he said, "It was quite bad, to be honest."
Eddy's mum inhaled sharply.
"I went to work early and came home very late most of the time. And then I'd be so tired that I barely managed to eat dinner. I don't have many friends in Singapore... or in general, because I simply don't have time for that. It pays well and it definitely suits the skill set I've acquired in uni, but I don't like to punch in numbers all day, write reports and have long phone calls where I have to convince my clients to make the decisions I propose. It doesn't fulfill me. It's just something I have to do at the moment and yes, my biggest motivation, the only reason to be honest, was to make you happy."
He could practically hear her shaking her head. "It shouldn't be like that. Never should have been like that."
"Yes", he agreed, "and as I said, I'm very glad you realize that now. I was imagining all sorts of things before telling you I quit. Thought you'd banish me. I'm glad it went differently."
"I'm so sorry, Eddy. I really am. That might actually be my biggest regret in life. The way I pushed you into doing something you despise."

She sounded down, depressed even. Eddy sighed and thus displayed his inner turmoil, torn between making his mother feel better and the fact that exactly this motivation had brought him into this mess.
"'Despise' is a bit a strong word", he started. She chuckled. He smiled softly.
"Look, mum. I'm not gonna lie. It was one of the hardest things to do for me to give up my dreams back then."
"I'm so sorry..."
"But looking and finding Brett, it helped me find my own way too. So if that's what it took to really find and appreciate what I want, I guess I can make peace with my past."
"I'm so sorry, Eddy-"
"Mum", he interrupted. She fell silent. "I did say I forgive you, okay? So there's no need for you to apologize anymore."
"I still feel so guilty..."
Well, that's something he couldn't change for her. She had to deal with that on her own. And she seemed to realize, because the next thing she said, was, "I'm sorry. This is not your problem. You've done so much already and I am beyond thankful for you forgiving my sins, my dear son."
"You're welcome" he whispered.
"And if I should ever fail to support you or even stand in your way again, please tell me, Eddy. If anything, I want to make up for what happened."
"You don't need to. It's my life. Besides, you helped me with finding Brett. You've already supported me."
"I had a feeling that this was important to you", she stated, "You sounded so different, so insistent for a cause after such a long time."
"Is that why you helped me?"
"In a way, yes. But I also sensed the weight of whatever this was... it's hard to explain. I really felt like you had to find Brett at all cost."
He nodded, knowing exactly what she meant.

"For what it's worth", his mum continued after a brief silence, "I wanted to tell you that I'm incredibly proud of you. For having grown up into the man you are. For having courage to quit your job."
Being proud of him for quitting his job. Now he definitely had slipped into a parallel universe! He sniggered and shook his head.
"Wow, I've never thought I'd hear this today."
"It's true though!", she exclaimed and Eddy could hear her smiling, "I'm proud of you, son!"
"Thank you", he smiled too, "thank you for saying that. It does mean a lot."
"May I ask what prompted you into quitting your job?"
"I want to do music" he simply answered, brushing a hand through his hair and feeling the weight of a thousand worlds fall from his shoulders now that everything was out in the open.
His mum was quiet for a moment before she hummed appreciatively. "Of course you are."
"Yeah. I started to play again. The violin. And it's the most fun thing in the world for me, even though I suck at the moment."
"I'm sure you're still good. You've always been working so hard, practising so much."
"Except when I was a child, huh", he grinned.
"Oh", she laughed, "I had to force you by threatening you wouldn't get any dinner!"
"You were so strict!", Eddy stated.
"I was, huh...", she admitted.
"Mum, that wasn't an accusation", Eddy quickly said.
"I know, I know. But I haven't always been the kindest, for which I also apologize..."
"Alright, mum, you gotta stop apologizing now", Eddy huffed, though he wasn't unhappy to hear his mum saying he'd been growing up in a strict household.
"But I'm so happy for you, Eddy, that you're starting to pursue what your heart tells you to. And again, I'm sorry that you weren't able to do that earlier."
"And again, it's good mum. Stop saying sorry."
She gave a small chuckle, lightening Eddy's heart in the process.

"So, you coming to Sydney or what?",
"Yes! As I said, next week on Monday. I can't wait to see you."
"Can't wait either", Eddy stated and this time, really meant it from the bottom of hid heart.