DAYDREAM → PAUL LAHOTE

° 41

What happened after was a blur but all I know is Mateo found me near the edge of the cliff, my face buried in my hands. I heard him call me softly and quietly as he slowly approached me like he knew I needed some space and I was not stable because of the rain.

I don't know how Mateo managed to get me to go home, I don't know if he carried me or walked with me.

I know I pushed Mateo away when he got me into bed, taking my shoes off again and my coat. It's scandalous, I know and I know Aunt Coraline was furious at me and I understand why.

I'm glad everyone was already asleep when I and Mateo got to the house except Aunt Coraline.

"Good morning, dear." Aunt Coraline flew my door open. I rolled my eyes and turned my back on her. She cleared her throat before opening the curtains and window to let the fresh air in and the light "Ugh." I groaned as I threw the sheets over me, hiding away from the sun

"Why are you doing this to yourself, Hemera?" Aunt Coraline sighed. I shrugged under the cover, "I don't know." I answered.

"Come on, take me out for a walk." Aunt Coraline pulled the covers off me before sitting down on my bed "But I'm sick." I complained as I coughed. Goddamn rain.

"You can't fool me, I raised you." She crossed her arms over her chest "Only for the last six years." I said matter-of-factly "But I still did and because of that, you've become the woman you are now." She added.

"A miserable woman, you mean?" I let out a sarcastic laugh that made her smack me on the shoulder "The better one." Aunt Coraline said.

Somehow, she managed to convince me and it's not like I have a choice either. She's still my Aunt, my great aunt, and the original mademoiselle, so I have to do what she says. I'm even lucky I get to complain when I'm with her.

I feel better, not physically but emotionally but not entirely better. I mean, I let her out where she's been caged for the last six years. Her anger, her pain, and her sorrow. She and I needed it, especially her.

"What a disappointment your family turns out to be." Aunt Coraline said, her hand tightly wrapped around my arm and the other one on her cane.

"If you're disappointed in me, just say so." I told her "No, dear, not at you." She shook her head as she let out a little laugh "I don't think you even consider yourself part of that family anymore." And there she goes, again. Stating facts I can't seem to disagree. I always hated her when she did that but when was Aunt Coraline wrong?

"Why do you think they are a disappointment?" I asked, "Cass's husband, Liam is always not home and he does have a job that god knows what so not a single soul in the house knows where he is." I explained. Cass's family is a bit complicated and that is why they moved here.

"And your sister is too cowardly to ask." Aunt Coraline rolled her eyes, "And your sister Ada isn't married yet she has a child, is it a one-time thing that happened to her? Oh, I don't want to know." Aunt Coraline sighed and I couldn't help but smile.

"I'm sure Ada is happy with her life so let her be." I acknowledge. I'm sure Ada is happy especially since she's with Riley, I don't want to wonder about her life right now when my own life is already fucked up.

"I could see it, especially with Mateo." Aunt Coraline murmured, "What do you mean?" I furrowed my eyebrows "Nothing." She shakes her head before clearing her throat.

"Tell me what happened yesterday." Aunt Coraline told me, like she doesn't know I don't want to talk about it "We talked and I exploded." I answered her shortly, I don't want to make this conversation any longer "Just like what you needed." She said.

"I don't know why I explode, I thought I could handle my emotion well." I sighed. Aunt Coraline stopped at her track and moved in front of me as she moved her hand on my side.

"You keep that girl inside you, caged for a very long time, Hemera. Of course, she'll explode." Aunt Coraline held my chin to raise my head so she could look into my eyes and do her thing. "The moment you stepped back here, there's no way of keeping her locked away and she found a way to escape you for a moment." She explained something I already knew, I probably knew it already deep inside of me but I was too cowardly to admit it.

"I know you caged her for good but it doesn't always need to be that way." She added. "That's the only thing I could keep myself protected," I stated.

"Being angry doesn't mean safe, my child."

I know she was right, she always is. And me? I'm always fucked up and I didn't want to acknowledge that because I don't want to hurt myself, they already hurt me, and I can't handle it anymore if I hurt myself to me.

I'm supposed to be strong, like a Blanchette. I guess I'm not worthy of that name anymore.