Project Athena | Reviews

A Mysterious School Trip(Nadia)

Author: A_Negative 

Reviewer: SardonicBeauty 

Genre: Mystery 

A Mysterious School Trip is a Mystery-themed book that revolves around the lives of a few school students and the trip they are going on to Spain. The story's main characters seem to be Sakhtam and his love interest, Sonilika.

The start of the chapter is interesting as it shows how Sakhtam tries to convey his feelings to Sonilika, but the surroundings quickly change into something more ominous and dark as the situation spirals downwards.

The first few chapters of the story are good for building character settings and relationships, but it doesn't hold the tone of mystery yet. The plot does pick up from the chapter titled "A Mistake." I really liked the description in that chapter.

The chapters, apart from the first one, are really short, making it hard to gather what will happen next. However, this isn't necessarily bad if you can update at a moderate pace and deliver relevant information through your chapters.

On the technical aspects of the story, there are several areas that need attention.

First, instead of using "seeing all of this" multiple times, consider using something else, like "witnessing everything." I've noticed you use similar phrases frequently, which becomes repetitive and decreases readers' interest in the story.

Second, there are missing words in dialogues. For example: "When the boy opened his eyes again," the word "eyes" is missing.

At the beginning of the first chapter, you use the present tense, but as Sakhtam wakes up from his dream, there is a sharp transition to the present tense, and even in the middle of that, there is mixed usage of tenses. I suggest sticking to one tense and proceeding with it.

Third, and very importantly, is how you have written the story.

I will explain what I mean with an example:

"The boy after...disbelief." This whole paragraph is written in a very confusing manner, which can lead to reader disconnection.

First, you have tried to add the necessary details to show what is happening in the scene for readers to visualize it correctly, but the execution of the sentences is incorrect.

Second, start using full stops instead of commas. A comma indicates a pause, for example, "I went to the store, and picked up some groceries." The comma is used to separate two independent clauses in a compound sentence. The period or full stop at the end after 'groceries' indicates the end of an action.

This is a basic idea and knowledge of when to use each one. In your paragraphs, the sentences are prolonged, which leads to reader disconnection and disrupts the flow of the story. It is important to understand and determine when an action/thought ends and when it needs to be stretched out.

Fourth, this is just an example of how you can rewrite your sentences and show in a periodic and methodical manner the incidents that took place and give a clear view to the readers into the world you have created.

"After several seconds, the boy looked blankly at the alarm, which was still ringing. He exhaled a deep breath as he realized all he had witnessed was nothing but a nightmare. Annoyed, he shook his head at the continuous sound of the alarm and grabbed his phone to dismiss it. As he dismissed the alarm, his face relaxed from the previous realization of his nightmares, but that quickly turned to horror as he saw the time on his phone."

When you write a sentence like, "In a place...were talking," it looks like a script. But from your story, I can easily gather that this is not a dialogue-based/script. You can change the line to: "Two students were talking inside the classroom, and their hushed whispers floated around the empty room."

With that line, you can proceed with the dialogue.

Fifth, you tend to end paragraphs with commas in some cases. That is fine, but in others, it is not. If a sentence is getting too long, cut it short with a full stop and start a new sentence. That way, the paragraphs will be easier to read, as I mentioned earlier. When starting a new paragraph, the first letter of the first word should always be capitalized.

Lastly, rather than using words like "crack-boom," describe the sound of the blast, how it affected the surroundings, and how it affected the listener.

I can't say much about the plot as the pace is slow, and the chapters are too short to fully grasp the mystery or the characters in a personal manner. I recommend reading some books. Arthur Conan Doyle's books are available on Wattpad, among many others. Read them to get a feel for how mysteries are told and solved. Look at the sentence structure, the dialogues, and, more importantly, the grammar and punctuation.

I would rate this story 2.5 out of 5 stars. This book has a lot of potential, but it needs thorough polishing, rewriting, and retelling.

Good luck!