She is an outcast. She finds it easier to express what she feels in the form of writing. Whether it is poems, letters or long texts. These are poems that she writes trying to describe how it feels to live with certain mental health issues, in a worl...
I have so much to do, so much to cover yet I sit on the couch, scrolling mindlessly.
The people who look at me might think "She's just scrolling through her phone, doing absolutely nothing, just lazily sitting." "Why don't you get up and get some work done?" they ask finally.
"Oh yeah, I will," I say embarrassed that they had to point it out to me. But how do I tell them? How do I tell them that with every second passing by I am telling myself to get up and not just sit here, "Get up Ai, you can't just sit and let the day pass, you'll regret that you've wasted your time, you can't have a shutdown now. Not now. I know you're overwhelmed, but we need to get through this, and then we can rest. Right? Please get up Ai, you've got this!" I keep saying to myself. I try so hard to make myself move from the couch. It's almost as if my body is paralyzed, I know there's so much that I have to do yet I freeze and do nothing. And doing nothing, gives me panic attacks and anxiety. So I sit and hold myself together.
There's so much I want to do, I want to call my long distance friend, text my cousin that I miss so much, tell people how much they mean to me, relax and read my book for a while, focus on the novel I'm trying to write, catch up with art that I haven't done since ages, watch the sunsets, go on long walks with my father, have endless conversations with my sister, and so much more.
But to the world, I'm just lazy and procrastinating. Only if the people heard my thoughts would they know what's happening, only then would they know that my mind runs a hundred miles per hour, nonstop.
"Get yourself a glass of water, then you'll feel better and we can get back to work," I tell myself. So I make my way to the kitchen, a glass of water in my hand, and I just stand there in silence while I only hear the commotion inside my head. Once I've got my water, I go back to my room only to see that the sun has set.
"I'm exhausted today," I say. "But why? You haven't even done anything all day," they say. And that's when I realize, that I've wasted yet another day. The guilt is suffocating and heavy in my chest and makes me feel like a failure. There's a voice in my head saying, "You've run out of time Ai."
PS: Ai is me. It's not my actual name, it's a nickname given to me by someone.
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