She is an outcast. She finds it easier to express what she feels in the form of writing. Whether it is poems, letters or long texts. These are poems that she writes trying to describe how it feels to live with certain mental health issues, in a worl...
Anxiety makes one do things, Things that aren't normal For a world that disregards outcasts.
Whether it is Being uncomfortable of eye contact and physical touch, Cancelling plans last moment or not showing up, Snapping and lashing out on the ones we love, Being unresponsive to texts for days, Having tremors, jitters And constantly being on edge.
I try to not fit into the ordinary world, But I definitely try to not hurt people with my actions. The ones who love and care about me try too. They attempt to make me comfortable, They talk, listen and be there for me. And I do appreciate all of it.
But suddenly, I feel paranoid. Do they really love me? Are they doing this because they want something from me? Are they planning to hurt me? Do they want to toy with my emotions? I try to not give into these questions, I try to believe their actions, words and what they do for me. But my fucked up mind can't even let me do that.
Once my trust issues and paranoia surface, I start pushing the ones who cared about me away. I snap at them, Cut them midway through what they were trying to explain, I say things I don't mean, I shatter them emotionally and mentally. Yet, some try to stay. But my torment is so great, That I do whatever is possible to shove them to the side With a heavy heart, Carving a scar on my heart and theirs.
Maybe my illness and constant loneliness are my friends now. My illness has become a part of me And I cannot imagine what I would be without it. Which is why I'm scared of getting healed, I don't know what I am without my disorder. And my loneliness gives me eternal solitude.
PS: The symptoms that I mentioned are not even half of what I experience on a daily basis. But sometimes (at most times) it's just so hard to put these symptoms and feelings into words. I've also tried to portray why it took me a while to convince myself to actually start paying attention to myself in order to heal. But one must remember, that the human mind always makes progress, but it is a progress in spirals. We'll have our good (or rather, okay) days, our bad (not so okay) days, and days when we feel absolutely defeated. But they're all a part of the process. So just trust the process.
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