Love on the Scale

Chapter Forty

I bit my lip hard as James and I walked up the driveway to our old home, but mom's arms were waiting inside, and my fear disappeared. It wasn't like last time; there would be no yelling, arguing, violence. We were both invited, loved, welcomed. We were home. The scent of dinner confirmed it.

Our younger brother and sister ran to meet us, and we hugged them tight. It felt like years had passed, not a few months, and they had so much to tell us. How much they missed us, how quiet it had been, along with their recent adventures at school. I'd never been so happy to hear about their lives, and I could tell by James' expression that he felt the same. We'd taken our family for granted when we had them; it was only human to do so, but we never would again.

I noticed after speaking with my younger siblings that two people were missing: dad, and Macyn. I left James with the kids and went to find mom. She was in the kitchen, finishing up dinner, which had me swallowing often so I wouldn't drool all over the floor. Her eyes were bright when she saw me, yet I could tell something was off.

"Where's dad? And Macyn?"

A flash of pain that disappeared as soon as it had appeared, and she turned back to stir a pot of a creamy sauce. "Your father... that's a long story, baby. Why don't we save it till after dinner? Macyn should be home later. I tried"-she laughed a bit-"to make something a little healthier, in honor of you and J. Found some recipes; they don't taste half bad, if I'm honest. Thought I wouldn't stop you from your goals. You look beautiful- lost a ton of weight. You were always beautiful to me, though. I just wish I'd known earlier how you felt..."

Her wavering voice prompted me to go to her, and I wrapped my arms around her thick waist, as far as they would go. "It's okay, mom... I'm better now."

She held me tight, face pressed into my hair. "I know that. I just wish it hadn't taken the two of you moving, and you almost dying, for me to understand. Your father and I... we've never been much good with weight loss, so I think we both gave up. But we never should have forced you all to follow after us. We should have tried to help you. I'm glad you and James had each other, I really am."

She let me go, and turned back to the stove. "Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. Tell the others to wash their hands."

* * * * *

James and the kids ran around the backyard, sparklers in their hands, and the night was illuminated by the cheerful fire hazards. Their laughter warmed me from the inside out, and despite the chill in the air, I wasn't cold. Mom and I sat in the deck chairs and watched them; our smiles matched, but mine faded as I voiced my last question. Hers leveled as well, and her breath formed big clouds in the air.

"The simplest explanation, is that your father had an affair, when you all were young. James was ten, Macyn was seven, and you were four. The other two weren't even here yet. Macyn saw them together one day, and accused your father. He threatened her not to tell, but she knew better, even at that age. So he broke off the relationship." Her face hardened. "But he's treated Macyn badly ever since. In private, so I never knew, but he's the reason why she always maintained As in school, and never did anything wrong. She was scared of him."

No... that couldn't be true. I never noticed anything. James didn't. Dad wasn't that evil; he couldn't have been. "How did no one notice?"

"He hid it, and Macyn hid it. She was too scared to say anything. So she had to grow up envying you and James... that's why you all have never gotten along. That's why she was so upset when you left. She needed to get away from your father, who had started threatening to kick her out of the house. She didn't know how else to get away, so she had to switch places with you."

It made sense. I wasn't any less angry, but it made perfect, complete sense. My dad was the source of every one of my problems. It was true that Macyn had made my life hell, but she was forced into it. I stood, agitated so much I couldn't sit still. "Where is he now?" I wanted to find him and kick his-

"I kicked him out. I don't know where he is, and I don't care. I've filed for a divorce." At my wide-eyed stare, she nodded, a new fire in her eyes. "Baby, I can deal with him cheating on me. He ended that." She lifted a finger and pointed it at me. "But then he was stupid enough to hurt, and scare my baby! And then kick my other two babies out of the house without a place to belong, to protect his own selfish self. Now I'll take a lot of things, but I won't let anybody get away with hurting any of you. Not even my husband."

"But I thought you wanted us to go too."

"I was angry for a couple days. But then I felt bad. I'm your mother, I have the right to get upset with you. But I could never throw you away like trash. Never. I wanted to call so many times, but your father had me convinced that you had both pushed away from us. Every time I picked up the phone he was telling me not to call. And I let him. That's what gets me: I let him do all of this to you. But I won't ever again, I promise you that."

We looked back out at James and the kids, and I jumped when the screen door opened behind us, my head whipping around. Macyn walked out onto the deck with us, closer to mom than me.

I hadn't seen her since James kicked her and her friend from our apartment. That was over a month ago. She looked different, not dressed in her usual tight clothing, but a loose dress. She looked pretty. And downright scared.

No one spoke, and even James and the kids had stopped playing to watch us. I expected mom to start the conversation, but she waited as well. It was up to me, or Mace, to initiate some sort of conversation, and I could tell Macyn wasn't about to start.

I was torn between hugging her and slapping her. She'd gone through so much, that was a fact. But she'd put me through a lot too. It was because of her that I'd been fired, and that I'd lost Neil. It was her fault I'd gotten to the point of suicide. She deserved to be slapped. More than that, she deserved to go through every last thing she'd put me through. I wanted her to suffer.

I could tell when James arrived behind me; though he was quiet, I heard his breathing. He felt my anger. Macyn wore an expression of apology, and of hope. She wanted me to forgive her, for us forget it had happened. Or that's what I assumed. Still, I was torn between a slap and a hug.

In the end I did neither. I said goodnight and thanks to mom for dinner, told her we'd call her, James and I hugged my little siblings tight and promised to let them come over soon. Then we left. James didn't try to speak to me on the drive home, but let me vent my silent, pain-filled tears without interruption.