Try To Keep The Pace

Sometimes quiet is violent...

 For once in a while, it was quiet. Megan had to leave me after a half hour, because she had to get back to school. Mary, after Megan told what had happened, went to pick up Laura from school. Uncle Robert, Uncle Felix and Auntie Alex are working in the restaurant. Madison, of course, was still in school. And April, well she was right next to me, but she didn't give out any sounds and it was driving me crazy.

 It was too quiet for me. Now, as I look back at my past self, when I didn't have close friends or people who I could hug any time, I realize that I was never alone. Even when I thought that I was, Coss was with me. We talked. She kept me sane, as sane as possible. But now....she's quiet...and it scares me.
 I was restless. I was curled up on my bean bag with April in my arms. I felt like I was waiting for a bomb to drop somewhere nearby. Like, I felt something was coming, but I didn't know when or how hard it will hit. I wanted to reach out for Coss, I wanted her to comfort me, but after all what had happened, how she...yelled...I was scared to "speak" to her. I was too scared to even think. I was afraid that she might hear my thoughts and yell at me again, so I did my best at not thinking of anything which sent me into a trance of rocking myself on the bean bag, while patting April in the same, monotone pattern.

 I was trapped in my own mind. 

 They say the mind is the strongest and yet the most sensitive part of a human. Stick and stones may break your bones, but words can break your heart, but they always forget to say that the mind too. If you tell someone that they are bad at climbing trees, before they could even try, they will live believing that they are bad at climbing trees.  Whenever there's the opportunity to climb a tree, they won't do it, because they think that they are bad at it and hence, they will never see the beautiful view from the top of the tree. They are trapped in that thought.
 Now imagine someone being trapped not just in one thought, but in their own mind. To be afraid to even think about something, to not feel safe in your own mind, to be afraid to think, to be afraid of facing you own thoughts.

 To doubt that if your thoughts are even yours.

Then I finally got up from my comfortable place and walked to the desk. I grabbed the first piece of paper and pen or pencil -I can't recall what it was- and started writing.

 Still, maybe it was for the best. To not think then. Who knows what could have I done if I did think. Like last time, when my thoughts went off track...when Coss was yelling at me again. Maybe she was trying to defend me then. She terrified me so that I wouldn't think of suck dark things again...but then again...she was the one who was encouraging me to form those thoughts into actions.

 Then, when I felt like I was thinking I started drawing one circle. I went over it multiple times. Soon even that felt automatic and started loosing it's calming effect.

Don't think.

Don't think.

Do not think.

Don't think.

Do       not      think.

Help.

Do'nt think.

He- think- lp.

help

 Suddenly everything went black and something warm covered my face. My hand stopped and with it my heart. Then the warmness spread to my left ear.

"Shhhh, calm down"said a voice, that I was yet unable to identify. I brought my right hand to my eyes, but it was met with soft and warm flesh, someone's hand. Bringing my left hand to my ear I was met with more of that warm and soft skin. Someone's face.
"It's going to be okay" and as if those were some kind of keys to open the cage that I was trapped in, I started crying my heart heart out into someone's hands. I didn't care how loud I was or how uncomfortable I made my savior, I just sobbed into the permanent darkness. Until that darkness guided to me another, familiar one, which we call sleep.