Caged Instinct

Chapter 4: Awake?

Every morning, you open your eyes and start your day.

"Do you wake up as I do? Having to forget what hurts, until you have to move on."

Wake up!

You see,

I'm already awake.
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I'm still staring at this paper, boring, plain, the same. I glance up. The colors still drained from life. He's looking at me, and I'm ashamed of myself.

He doesn't care. You shouldn't either.

"Ashley," Katelyn calls my name again. "Jesus, you can't stop thinking!" She tells me, I give her a confused face.

"What?" I question, trying to listen, while also trying to get out of my head.

Nothing matters

"You have your thinking face." She laughs like she knows me. She does, yet, she doesn't. I don't laugh. Staring deeply into nothing. I'm sad, and unhappy. Will I ever be happy again. That's all I can think about. I look down.

Happiness.

"Stop!" A voice enters the room. Startled, I look up once again. My hearts beating fast, my stomach sinks, everyone's looking at me. Worried looks on there faces. Why is everyone looking at me?

"Ms. Zirnite? Are you okay?" I meet eyes with my teacher.

"Yes!" I respond, confused only to realize I was the one to yell stop.

"I'm sorry.." I speak up. "Can, can you excuse me?" I stand up, wanting to take a break, needing to get away, out of this room, somewhere he isn't for one second.

"I'm okay, I'm okay." I whisper to myself continuously, walking to the door.

"Ashley?" I know that voice, it's his voice. He's saying my name like a question. Like he's confused. Like he has to tell me something. Like he doesn't know who I am. I turn around to meet his eyes but no ones here. My heart sinks, tears that I've been trying to hold back drip down my eyes.

The posters on the walls are gone. There are no more seats, or students in the room. There's no desks, or books, or whiteboards. No doors, or windows. Its a blank room, white walls. Nothing.

It's just me.

I'm all alone.

I can't be alone!

"Hello!" I call, but it echos. It's as if I'm trapped, in a white box.

"Hello!" I call again, but nothing. More tears escape my eyes.

"HELLO!" I scream, my voice cracking, but again, I echo. I collapse to the ground, broken. I try to speak, but fail. Tears blurring my vision, I cry more. Letting myself feel, and break, everything that I've been hiding, everything, no one knows.

"This is you.." A voice that's not mine starts. I glance up, trying to see straight, but I can't seem to see who is it. "You used to be so happy.." The voice continued. "What happened to you.."

"I, I don't know what your talking about." I mumble, stuttering.

"You know, your just afraid to admit it, like you've always been." The voice states, and this person sounds awfully familiar. "Look at yourself!" The voice raises, scaring me in a way, like it needs me to know how it's feeling. I try to stand, but I can't bring myself to, almost collapsing in tears once again.

"You, did this to yourself. You let him do this to you! You let your friends, talk bad about you, you let your family, do whatever, and you try to not care! But you do! And you always have!" I can now tell it's a she, based on her voice. It's a lot higher then a boys, not deep, but sounding fragile, once broken.

"I didn't do anything." I force myself up, looking for the girl. my voice almost cracking, tears still running.

"Oh, you did." I look around the white room, the plain white room, once again. Not a person, or girl in sight. But now, there a mirror. A small, white framed mirror, along the right side of the wall. I walk toward the mirror slowly, not wanting to see my reflection. Not wanting to see anything.

Walking closer, my reflection starts to enter the mirror. My white leather vans, baggy light blue jeans, and a dark blue fitted shirt that read in white Dodgers. Finally, I gaze into the mirror, stepping closer my blonde straightened hair lays over my shoulders. A type of golden, sun kissed, natural type that everyone recognized me by. Stepping closer, my eyes enter the mirror.

My eyes are puffy, ringed with tiredness, as purple bags lay under my eyes. Little bits of mascara as well. My brown, hazel, eyes were like a dark sunset, but now they looked almost red, with the tears.

I cringe, I look horrible.

"See, why do you do that to yourself." The voice enters and I turn around.

"Do what!" I yell, looking for the girl but she's no where. "Where the hell am I!? I'm missing class." I run over to the other side of the room.

"Hello!" I scream, bagging on the wall.

"Your not missing class, I mean, you were never really paying attention anyway. You doze off, you think, you pretend to be there,
when you're really somewhere no one knows." She explains.

"What do you want from me." I say sternly, looking into the middle of the room.

"It's not what I want, Ashley. It's what you do."