Caged Instinct

Chapter 7: Faces

you would not look
at a knife that cut you
expecting it
to heal you

so do not look
at the people who hurt you
expecting them
to heal you
-gana meharii

you need to walk away, let everything go,
sometimes it's holding on that hurts most.

"Seeing him, hearing him. My family, there yells, there faces. My friends, there judgement, there words. I don't want to see it. I don't want to hear it. I can't. I can't anymore."

I don't even know who to trust. Who to care for. Who to love, who to open up too.

I don't know who I am.

Who am I?

Where am I?

And whose mask am I wearing?

—————
"What, what are you doing. How, how are you me. You look just like me!" I yell trying to step closer but she eyes me, scaring every ounce of my body. Terrified something may happen to the boy that stands before me.

"I am you." She laughs. "Can't you see that. I've been through all of this, this pain, these tears. Everything. I know how you felt. And just like you, I was here! I was in this stupid place, with someone that looked just like me, just like you. But, I didn't know that, she was dressed in black, covered up. Trying to help me.. so, I'm trying to help you, and this is the only way." She ends softly.

"By holding a gun to his head!" I scream and the walls around me turn completely dark. "I, have nothing left." I eye her and take a step. "I've learned, it's okay to get hurt. It's okay, to want to be alone, it's okay to cry and be angry. But it's not okay to tell myself it's my fault. It's not okay, to believe I deserve this. Please, just let him go, okay." I seem to whisper the last sentence.

"I'm sorry I can't do that." She tells me, and my stomach sinks.

"Why?" I question.

"Tell him."

"That makes, that makes no since."

"Tell him, what you've wanted to say." I look to him. A single tear runs down his cheek as does a tear run down mine. You can tell he's scared, and I just feel this is all my fault.

"Just let him go. Please. He did nothing." I look away from him. Suddenly I hear a click from the gun and my heart speeds up pace.

"Okay, okay." I place my hands in the air. "I'm talking." My eyes meet with his again.

"I am, so sorry." I tell him, but for some reason, he doesn't seemed fazed. Suddenly, it's almost like a glitch. It's him, then it's not. Katelyn is here, and then she's not. It's as if I'm seeing double.

"Stop thinking.. just talk."

"Ashley help me!" I hear screams.

"Ashley it's me, you can't let them hurt me." A different voice yells.

"You have to choose! me or her!" Another voice echos.

"This is your fault!" Rings through my ears, as yet again, another voice leaves. I collapse to the ground in a ball. Leaning over grabbing my legs.

"Your okay" I repeat, and repeat.

"Get up!" I hear the now I know older me yell. I glance up, letting my surroundings sink in. The room is dark, black like the night. Adam stands still, a gun still pointed at his head, just one click away from ending it all. I stand up, unable  to see everything around me. The room looked like it went on forever.

"I remember, when we were strangers. When, I had no idea, who you were. I remember how I had just started to be happy again." I smile. "How, I could smile without it hurting. How I could, glance around the room, and it wouldn't be because I'm looking for you." We meet eyes.

"But then, we did meet. And I would never change that, because as hurt, and broken as I am, it made me who I am right now. We were friends, remember? We talked across the room, texted for hours, made each other laugh. Then, you left." I drop my smile. "And I always, took you back, because why not? We just didn't talk? But, it broke me. The sad part is, you became a huge part of my life, while I was only a small part of yours"

"Your bringing up old stuff, like you always do." He finally speaks.

"No, I'm explaining the pattern." I say sadly.

"There's so much, I could say but can't find the words to explain it. I know, you never meant to hurt me. I didn't realize it until later, it only hurt because of the feelings I had for you." I look at him deeply, a weight feels as if it's coming off my chest.

"I'm sorry, for always blaming you, because don't get me wrong, you meant, everything to me. You made me smile, and laugh. You made me feel happy. But, it's just not worth it. It's not worth the pain, or tears, heartbreak. You're not worth the fight anymore. I'm tired of letting myself break, just so you don't have to deal with it. Whatever happens, whatever we are, or were will be decided in the future. Because we both deserve better then tears, drama and breaking hearts. We both deserve happiness. Okay?"

"I'm sor-" Just as he's about to respond the gun goes off and he lands on the floor, blood oozing from his head.

"NOOO!" I scream and run over to where he now lays on the floor.

"Come on, come on you're okay!" I scream shaking him. Not believing it.

"Your not dead, your here. Your alive." I try to convince myself.

"Adam! Come on please! I can't lose anyone else! I can't, I can't please. I can't take it!" Still, that feeling of weight, and sadness that clouded me was gone. I look down, the salt tasting tears escaping my eyes. I glance up at the girl in front of me, with the sad smile on her face.

"One problem down." I don't respond, looking down at the boy again, but then he disappears and the blood on my hand is gone. I look back to the girl quickly in black, the other me. Josh stands there, a gun to his head. Just, like, Adam.

There was no escaping this.