Caged Instinct

Chapter 8: Choose

Love,

So many songs,
poems,
movies,

books,
lives,
fairytales

It's everywhere.

Not one can describe love, only how it feels to them.

You could say it's a deep affection for someone, but

What does that mean?

If it came down to you? And love?

What would you choose?

If it was between you, and the person you love?

What would you do?

The heartbreaker that never meant to become one, now was in charge of something they didn't know, your heart.

But, what if it's both.

What if, you had to choose the love for yourself, or the love for someone?

Which is for you?

Because you have to ask yourself, are you important enough to put first.

What would you choose?
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"Please, please don't! You can't. She didn't do anything!" I beg, crying, finishing yet another speech. I close my eyes, hearing another gun shot. A single tear escapes my eye yet again. This place, made no sense. It was a place to drive me insane. To hurt me more then the real world did.

These people were in my life for a reason. To make my life a purpose, to have a future worth living. This place was confusing, it hurt, took things away from me that I should've got out of my life along time ago, but they shouldn't be taken out of my life this way, never, this way.

My sister appears next. I see a terrified look in her eyes. My stomach sinks, my heart starts racing, and more tears spill from my eyes.

"No!" I yell. "You can't!" I say for probably the millionth time, but I couldn't let anything happen to her, not her. She was little, innocent. She had a whole life to discover. She wouldn't be hurt because of me. That's the part of having a sister, you fight, you laugh, you cry, you yell, but you still love each other.

"I can, and I will. Start talking." She interrupts, I gulp. I can't let anything else happen. I've learned, I've tried, and isn't that the point. My life, is hard, but it's not the worst. I just needed to find my way. There are so many more people that have a life worse then mine, I could never compare it to there's because it was a problem they might have not been able to control. This, was all on me, this was something I needed to fix.

"I said, no." I look at her, wiping my tears. "Every time I talk, you kill them anyway." I yell, I needed to get the point across. Nothing, was happening to her.

"So you've learned. Even if someone promises something, it doesn't mean they'll follow through." She stares at me and I gulp once again, letting her words set in.

"I've learned, that I'm me, and that's fine. People will hurt me, and move on. It's time I do to." I state, and a huge weight is off my chest, something I didn't even know was there, but I felt so much better, like I was free.

Suddenly, my sisters gone and the walls that were black turn white. I glance around the room, letting my eyes follow the picture I that moves on the wall. It's me, im young, little, smiling. Somehow, it causes me to smile and I'm happy that for once, it's real. I run, following it, it's almost as if it's running away from me, the faster I run, the faster it moves and the farther I get from the girl in black, me.

The room seems to go on forever the more I run, the more of the room I discover, but it doesn't matter.

How do I describe everything that I'm feeling.

Love, it's a way to both destroy and create worlds. It's a way to pull people in, and push people out. Love is an ultimate fantasy that everyone wants, and some people get it. It's all I wanted. I needed it more then I wanted too.

Sadness, it takes everything away. Happiness is drained, nothing feels right. You feel alone, trapped in a cage you can't escape and you put yourself there, no one else did. Your the only person that can do something about it. The tears used to be my smile and that's something I had to change. It's about realizing when everything goes to far, when life doesn't seem like it's worth living, because what was the point of living if there was no one to live for? Sadness takes over, and it shouldn't. You have to stop it and realize your not alone, and don't live for other people, but for yourself.

Hate, it's a strong word. Some people say it like it's drinking water. It's nature. Saying I hate myself is different then saying i hate how I do this, or saying I hate the situation, because I got it confused too and it brought so many problems. I hated, the way I felt. I missed the old me, but, I was never gonna be that me forever, so might as well learn now.

Change, it's worth it. It happens everyday. It's something I always hated, but grown to accept. It's part of life, and I wish I would have understood that along time ago. It's okay to be hurt, to be broken. It's not okay to use it as an excuse for your self.

When I look back on life I see pain, sadness, heartache, and now when I look in the mirror I say I've learned a lot and I'll try hard to make myself better.

My thoughts stop, I keep running, letting my hair fly beside my face, and letting myself smile even more. I hear my name being called, and yelled, and I no longer see white, but black.

"Ms. Zirnite!" I hear someone yell as I'm shaken. I lift my head up from the cold desk letting my eye sight go from blurry to normal.
Ms. Dillion stands in front of me, a annoyed expression all over her face. How was I still in class? Wasn't I just in the white room?

My stomach starts to drop, getting more nervous then it probably should. What happened? I look around and see my best friend still alive, still next to me. Not smiling, hence me getting yelled at but alive. My eyes find him, the boy that grabbed my heart without permission. The boy that has broken my heart more times than I can count, but, now, my heart doesn't feel like it belongs with him, it's right here with me, smiling. I look back to Ms. Dillion 

"Next time you plan to fall asleep in my class there will be consequences." I'm scolded and I'm about to say something when the bell goes off. Once again it's in the middle of the class, everyone's confused and I feel I've already lived this, because I have and this time I know what to do, because there's nothing fix, and for once I'm happy,

and I don't feel trapped in a cage that I can't escape.

once someone asked me if I would choose the love for myself, or love for other people.

but you know what,

i choose both.