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In the weeks that follow, I become hell-bent on avoiding both Mingi and Jungha. My dear friend, as clueless as ever is worried sick over the fact that I'm shutting her out and she hasn't the dandiest idea what she might've done. And I wish to tell her it's all me. Nothing but.
Then perhaps the one who instigated it.
Who knew angry rambunctiousness can cite up arousal in people?
After managing to slip out of our shared apartment for class which is set for two hours from now—I've been taking precautions knowing my best friend is well aware of my schedule and knows just when to strike—I head for the library. For people like us, that is the only place that welcomes you with open arms in such travailing times. A safe haven.
I sneak in and take refuge at the last table where I'm sure no one would come looking for me.
How wrong I am when a shadow casts over my dejected form just minutes after I've adjusted in my seat. Very familiar. I curse out before I look up, and there I see Yunho smiling. It isn't difficult to note the way it doesn't reach his eyes like it usually does and in spite of my own problems weighing down on me, I'm moved to inquire.
"I should be asking you the same thing," is his response. He settles in beside me. Perhaps the date had stamped some sort of familiarity between the both of us, because I take a look at the proximity, about two hairs' breadth away from each other, and I don't feel uncomfortable.
I have so reached that point in my withdrawal that I know anyone from my humble list of friends that comes to talk to me is here because they've been sent. It's like a committee, I ponder, fully aware that the only person I would not think of shunning is Yunho.
And maybe they're right. No, they are.
"You okay?"
Still unsure of whether it is the softness in his voice or that undeniably sincere concern etched across his handsome features, with his brows dipped in a slight frown as well as his lips, but I'm not even going to try to deny it. Save him the hassle of fretting over me, even if a small part tells me Yunho knows exactly what is up.
He is Mingi's best friend. And just like Jungha and I, they wouldn't keep secrets from each other.
I wonder how Mingi might have relayed it to him: "I cheated on Jungha with Yoon."
Well ... cheated is such a strong word. But that's how direct he could be.
"I might've single-handedly destroyed a friend's relationship," I say, sighing and looking up at him, "and heads up for the future: never get into a hate relationship with your girl's friend, because sooner or later, you'll suffer with the task of telling yourself it's not pretend at all."
"You say that like you're the one at fault."
"No," I shake my head. "I know I'm not. It's fifty-fifty."
"He's really sorry, you know."
I roll my eyes. Tell me something I don't know. "Yes, I got the message loud and clear that day. However, I wasn't as pleased with it than I would've thought either."
Yunho reads into my statement and I needn't glance his way to see how perturbed he might look. I envision it. The fact that he chooses silence over feeding my brain with shitload of lies makes me grateful that he is actually here, because the last thing I need now is having him convince me that there is in fact nothing wrong with what I did. I want the guilt. It is a reminder and as long as I stay aware of its presence, I have an assurance. That I shouldn't be forgiven.
I don't deserve Jungha.
The thought pricks my ducts and it starts raining tears down my face the next second. I have been doing a lot of that recently.
Life feels incredibly shitty these days and just when I start to think that crunch week would be the lowest of the low for me. At this point, struggling for a pass mark is most likely my only option because I'm not some powerful deity and there is no fricking way I can read myself up an A+.
It's synonymous to impossible.
"I'm a horrible person."
Yunho doesn't deny it as he pulls me in. His embrace is most comforting. "At least you feel regretful. That makes you a good one still, you're willing to accept your mistakes. Nobody's perfect."
It changes nothing as far as I'm concerned, but between the hiccups and tears, I'm not able to share my opinions with Yunho. However, I know he only tries to help and there is high chance he means just about forty percent of what he says. At the thought, the sobs increase but not loud enough to draw attention. I might be grieving but far from stupid. The last thing I could ever do is forget the rules accrued to my second home, soon to be first, considering I'm not sure how much longer before I get kicked out of our shared apartment. Even if it's the both of us with legal rights over the lease, I would readily let it all go just so Jungha can have it. And I'm out of her life. Because, again, I don't deserve her.
"Come on." I raise my head to look at him when he nudges his shoulder against mine. I dont comprehend how hideous I look when I do so and Yunho probably doesn't either. "I know what will cheer you up."
I bet it's ice cream. And I'm absolutely in no mood for frozen treats, but it doesn't cross my mind to decline. Letting Yunho take my hand in his, he pulls me up and I nearly stumble and fall into him.
