Noxious

33 | no warning

Kyle 

I wasn't sure how long I slept. 

It scared me almost. I didn't want to close my eyes and see the darkness again. I didn't want to feel like I couldn't wake up. 

When that seizure had happened, I wasn't in control of my body. I couldn't even control my breathing and it left me with burning lungs. I thought I was going to die, and that was the honest truth, because I had been terrified. 

I realized how scary drug addiction can be. 

It wasn't just fun and games anymore. I wasn't just running around on the streets, riding a high, and enjoying life. I was physically incapable of controlling my body. It had become so dependent on those drugs and my brain didn't know what to do without them. 

Had Mom felt like this? 

Could she have known that drugs would eventually take her life? 

I had started doing drugs to remedy the pain of her overdose. I had unconsciously followed her down the rabbit hole. I felt repulsed with myself but it was like my body was convinced it needed those chemicals to alter reality.

My fingers itched for the heroin that I knew sat in the bottom of the backpack right in front of me. I was hyperaware of it, my brain begging for it. 

I laid with my eyes closed for a few minutes after I had woken up but the urge became too much. It was like something else was controlling me and I pulled myself upright in the reclined seat. Tommy glanced at me. 

It was pouring rain. The windshield wipers danced back and forth, only allowing a clear view of the road for a few seconds. A song played softly from the radio and I found myself with an annoying headache from sitting up. 

I realized there was a blanket draped over me and I slowly rolled it back because I was growing hot again. I was withdrawing and considering relapse because my eyes were glued to my backpack. 

I just wanted it to all stop so I could feel better. 

Before I could really process my stupid actions, I was grabbing for my backpack. I unzipped it and stuck my hand in, digging around desperately for the little packets of white powder that I knew would make my body stop its hellish havoc on me. 

"Kyle, no. Stop!" Tommy's voice was loud and demanding. He reached across the car and tried to grab me, I shook him off. "You can't do this to yourself, you're almost through." 

"I... need it," I mumbled weakly. 

"You don't," Tommy grabbed my hand again to stop me from digging for the very thing that would kill me if I let it, "Kyle, listen to me--" 

He was cut off by someone appearing between us. All I saw was blonde hair and then my backpack was ripped from my hands. I couldn't even process how fast they had moved until I turned my head. 

Charly sat back in her seat and she started digging through my backpack. 

Oh, fuck.

"Charly--" 

I tried to steal my backpack from her grip but I realized my hands were trembling so bad, I could barely hold anything. I fucking needed what was in that backpack, and I didn't realize that my thoughts weren't even my own thoughts anymore. 

It didn't matter because Charly stilled. 

In her hand, she held two packets of white powder and by the look on her face, she knew exactly what they were. For a second, she seemed frozen. Rowan stared at the packets in her hands and then he was staring at me.