Noxious

50 | self-blame

Rowan

The day after my trial, I awaited the worst of it. 

I wished I was eighteen, and I could just walk out of this place. I didn't want anyone else to have custody over me. Some part of me wished none of this had ever happened. 

There was a gentle knock on the door. 

I prepared myself for who was to enter until the door opened and it was only Officer Layden. He was literally the only person I had seen consistently since I woke up at the hospital. Besides my check-ups with Dr. Thandler. 

"How are you doing, kid?" Officer Layden asked. 

"Fine," I muttered, "What's happening?" 

"Your mom has requested to see you," He told me, "You can refuse." 

Why would she ever want to see me?

"I'll see her," I finally nodded. 

When Officer Layden left the room to get her, I felt like I was going to regret my decision. I didn't expect anything great from the encounter but I felt like I wanted closure. I wanted to hear what she wanted to say, and then I wouldn't ever wonder about it again. 

A few minutes later, the door opened. 

My mother was in an orange jumpsuit. I almost liked the color on her, it matched her bipolar attitude. 

Officer Layden escorted her to the seat across from me, the table between us, and then he left the room. For a moment, it was just the two of us and the silence that I wouldn't break. I just stared at her. 

"I always loved you," She began quietly, although there wasn't an inch of sincerity in her words, "No matter what happened, my love never wavered. You were just ungrateful and greedy and no matter how much I tried, you never appreciated it."

My jaw dropped. "Are you fucking serious? You requested to see me just to place your self-blame on me?" 

"It's not--" 

"You're delusional," I cut her off, "Everything that happened to you in that courtroom is because of you! I just told the truth. I'm sorry you are such a shitty person." 

"You lied in there!" She snapped, "Whatever scheme you have planned, it won't work out in your favor. You should have just stayed with me--" 

"I fucking hated living with you." 

"How could you say that!" She snarled, eyes narrowing, "You had a roof over your head and food--" 

I kept cutting off her lies because I no longer believed them. "No, there were nights I went without food. I stole from the supermarket down the street because there was no food. You always ate from your fucking hook-ups, but you always forgot about me. Did you forget about kicking me out, too? You're a selfish bitch." 

"Don't you dare talk to me like that!" She screeched, finally losing it as she always did, "You have no right!" 

"Actually, I do," I rebutted, "You're not my guardian anymore." 

"I don't know what possessed you but maybe being around your other siblings was a mistake on your part. They corrupted you!"

"No," I hissed, "You did. You lied to me, and you lied to Charly." 

"Why are you even defending her? She's not even your real sister!" She sputtered, "She's your half-sister!" 

My jaw clenched, "No, she's my sister by blood," I corrected, "Half, a third, or full... she's my sister."