Emilie's Baby

Thirteen

Emilie

Oh, thank the Lord! I thought, opening my eyes widely and rubbing my little boy. It was just a nightmare. I was tempted to get up and go in search of food and then go surprise Rowan work, maybe calm the harsh beating of my heart. Maybe help calm my fears. Maybe just kiss him and demand he hold his hormonal wife. Maybe drop hints about a vow renewal.

"Stop asking if she's fine, dammit!" I heard Nick's voice yell out, as I heard a slam, which I assumed was his hands down on a hard surface. “Tomorrow she's going to wake up and roll over in bed for him, and he won't be there. She'll be confused, she'll still be half asleep, she won't really be thinking, and she will reach for him. And you know what? She won't find him. He won't be in the bathroom forgetting to screw the lid back on the toothpaste, he won't be in their closet trying to find something to wear, he won't be in the kitchen making his standard black coffee or trying to make her pancakes, and he won't be running around the living room searching for the keys that are already in his hand. He'll be dead, he won't be breathing, he'll be gone. Gone as in gone. And you want to know what? For a whole minute, for a whole measly minute she won't remember that her heart is broken. She won't remember that her husband won't be coming home to kiss her or Wyatt. For a whole fucking minute, she'll think that he's wandering around their house like he always does. But, when it boils down to it, he won't walk through that front door. She'll never get to hold him again. So, no, to answer your fucking question, she isn't okay. She won't be okay for a while. And frankly, I don't know why you even bothered to ask!”

Tears flooded my eyes and I couldn't fight the sob rising in my throat. Oh, God. It hadn't been a dream. I couldn't breathe for a whole moment as I sat up from the bed, looking over to the empty spot beside me.

None of it had been a dream.

I remember searching for Rowan as we had lit the candles for my birthday cake, and wishing for him as I blew them out. I remember the small notes as I opened every gift, that lead to one giant letter from him. One telling me just how much he loved me, how much I'd grown to mean to him. How much he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with me. How he couldn't express in words how much he loved Wyatt, and how much it meant to him that I was giving him a beautiful baby boy. And finally, how much he wanted us to be a real family. With a "Mommy and Daddy that loved each other with everything they could." I had been in tears reading this, and just waited for him to show up. My heart had been in my throat as the doors had burst open, only to reveal a tearful Nick and Nancy.

My heart had stopped as they relayed what had happened.

How the driver of the pick-up had been speeding and drinking.

How it had been swerving into Rowan's lane.

How he'd been not paying attention to the road.

How it had killed him instantly.

But, honestly? All I had gotten out of it was that the man I had fallen in love with, the man who I couldn't sleep without now, wasn't going to come home.

How he wasn't going to be around anymore.

How I was never going to get to tell him that I love him.

How he wasn't going to be there to hold my hand when Wyatt came into the world.

How he was gone.

I placed my hand softly against the large bump on my stomach, caressing Wyatt lovingly. My eyes were closed and all I could do was allow the tears to flow down my face. I breathed in the scent around me, savoring the lingering smell of his cologne, knowing that soon, the scent would fade. My heart ached inside of my chest.

He wasn't coming home.

A sob broke out of my chest and I couldn't contain the pain that seeped through. I wanted to scream. So, I did.

I screamed, I cried, I shouted at the top of my lungs. I cursed the world, the driver, the car-- Even God. I yelled for the loss I was suffering, for the loss that was ultimately going to affect my child. I cussed for the unfairness of it all.

And finally, as I started to calm down a bit, started to fall prey to the bone deep exhaustion that was creeping in on me, I promised my baby boy that I would always be there for him.

And I promised myself that I would never love anyone the way I loved Ro, even if he never knew how deeply I felt.