Because You Are Love (Karlnap)

Chapter 10 - There are times it is sad

"Karl, tell me I can do this." Sapnap said with a tone much more serious than any previous part of their conversation held. Karl was still laughing about something they had talked about earlier, his laughter being cut short after hearing Sapnap's voice shift.

"Oh, of course you can do it. Wait, are you he-uh, home?" Karl asked. Sapnap wasn't sure, but the same nervousness that he noticed in Karl's voice at the very start of their call seemed to be back. He recognized the unfortunately familiar stutter in his words, which Sapnap wished he understood the meaning behind.

He already had enough weighing on his mind- his hyper awareness that he was somehow back in the state he swore to himself he'd never return to, the way his body ached from being cramped in his car for so long, and now Karl's unspoken anxiety. It was all beginning to take a toll on him.

Sapnap was already in his home town, the time nearing 10pm. Before answering Karl, Sapnap hit his brakes, pulling off on the side of the road. His tires hit the unpaved shoulder, causing loose gravel to fly up and hit the underneath of his car.

"Sap? What was that? Are you-"

"Talk to me." Sapnap interrupted, putting his car into park. Was he genuinely concerned about what was going on with Karl? Of course. Was he also just looking for any excuse to delay his arrival even further? Also true.

"What, uh, what do you mean? I've been talking to you for hours." Karl said with a nervous laugh.

"You know what I mean. Karl, you're my best friend, you can tell me anything. I don't want to keep pretending like I can't tell how anxious you are. Talk to me about it, maybe it's something I can help with." Sapnap spoke slowly. He wasn't sure if he was crossing the line by pushing the conversation Karl deflected away from earlier.

"Did you stop driving?" Karl asked after a moment of silence. Sapnap sighed, leaning back in his seat.

"I want to give you my undivided attention." Sapnap answered. He took off his hat, holding it in his lap, while he tapped his head against the headrest. He felt guilty for pushing Karl, but he also knew he would have a much easier time facing his family if Karl was one less thing he had to worry about.

"Sap-" Karl paused, letting out a sigh. Sapnap let the silence between them grow, hoping Karl would finish his thought. "I'm just- ugh, it's stupid and I can't even describe it. Please, just get back on the road."

"Karl, just talk to me-"

"I'll feel better if you finish your drive home-"

"Karl, whatever it is we can work through it-"

"So that way I can see you." Karl interrupted again. Sapnap found his words caught in the back of his throat. He instantly thought back to Karl's slip in words towards the beginning of their call, and how maybe Karl asking when he would be here wasn't an accident after all. "I'm here, Sapnap. I'm in Texas."

"No you're not." Sapnap responded simply. His brows had already knit together in confusion.

"I am." Karl's statement sounded more like a question, like he was somehow testing the waters.

"I don't believe-"

"Your step-mom is really nice. Marisol brought me a bouquet of bluebonnets when they got me from the airport and she looks just like Jen. Uh, it's a really big house. There's a wrap-around porch and an old porch swing. Your entire yard is basically all flowers and-"

"Stop... Don't- don't say all this if you're just messing with me." Sapnap said slowly, his heart rate already beginning to climb. "Don't say that if you're just trying to trick me into starting to drive again-"

"I promise I'm not messing with you. I'm waiting for you on the porch. I'll be the first one you see when you drive up." Karl assured Sapnap. Without even thinking, Sapnap threw his car into drive, skidding back onto the deserted road.

"Whoa, whoa! I can hear your engine through the phone, calm down. I can't see you if you're dead." Karl said with a laugh that still sounded a bit anxious. Sapnap couldn't even bring himself to respond, his emotions getting the best of him.

For the first time in his life, Sapnap couldn't wait to turn into the driveway of his childhood home.

"Wait-" Sapnap finally spoke, his foot now weighing less heavily on the gas pedal. He could see his house on the top of a hill in the near distance, lights turned on all throughout the house. "You... You didn't tell me why you sound-"

"Is that you? I see a car on the road." Karl spoke before Sapnap could finish.

"Why are you nervous, Karl?" Sapnap finished his thought, no longer taking Karl's deflection as an answer.

As ridiculous of a thought that Sapnap knew it was, he still couldn't help but wonder if Karl was nervous about being Texas for the same reason he had been. The stereotypes, the homophobia, that maybe Karl had been hiding secrets about his sexuality too. Sapnap did his best to not indulge himself in that fantasy.

"Are you... Should I..." Karl paused. Sapnap had just turned into the driveway. The stretch from the road to his house had never felt so long before. "Do you want me to leave?" Karl asked so quietly the sound of Sapnap driving over the loose gravel nearly drowned out his timid question.

"Karl, why-"

"I'd understand if you did, uh, want me to leave. It was supposed to be a surprise but I didn't realize until I landed that maybe this is something you'd want to do on your own- I mean you said this is something you've been avoiding and it's hard for you to be here and-"

"Karl." Sapnap cut Karl off mid tangent, putting his car into park. Standing on the porch was Karl, a blanket wrapped around him, his hand pressing his phone tightly to his ear. As soon as he made eye contact with Sapnap through the windshield, he turned around to face the fields surrounding the house.

"I won't be mad if you tell me to go." Karl continued in a whisper. Sapnap stepped out of the car, not even bothering to close the door behind him. He walked up the creaking wooden steps slowly, his phone held at his side.

"Look at me." Sapnap said gently, brushing his hand against Karl's arm to turn him around. Karl complied in silence, the panic that Sapnap had heard in his voice was painted all over his face. "When have I ever not been happy to see you, you moron." Sapnap said with a smile growing on his face.

The look of relief, accompanied by a smile growing on Karl's face was something Sapnap found even more beautiful than the first bloom of spring. Sapnap didn't hesitate in grabbing Karl by his waist, pulling him to his chest. Karl accepted the embrace, wrapping Sapnap in the blanket with him.

"You're really okay with me being here?" Karl mumbled in Sapnap's neck. Sapnap could feel the heat radiating from his cheeks, the feeling reminding him of the dream he had just before starting his road trip.

"You being here is the best thing that could've happened." Sapnap sighed, hugging Karl tighter.

------------------------------

(1,236 words) take care of yourself, get some food and water. you deserve it <3