Because You Are Love (Karlnap)

Chapter 51 - You are stronger than you know

"Stop fucking crying." Sapnap mumbled to himself, continuing to aggressively wipe the tears that had yet to stop rolling down his cheeks.

Only a modest amount of light radiated across the porch. The electrical buzz from the lone lantern had finally been drowned out by the sound of the rain pouring down, pattering against the porch's awning.

His dad had gone back inside long ago, all the lights downstairs had been turned off, and the skies had opened, moving from a soft rain shower to a full on downpour. There was no doubt in his mind that he was still in shock, waiting to wake up in his bed in Florida.

He actually came out to his dad.

He came out to his dad, he was slapped across the face, and now he couldn't stop crying.

As much as Sapnap told himself that his father's apology meant something to him, it didn't. Hearing his dad ask him about his and Karl's relationship, even offering him advice, it did the opposite of warm Sapnap's heart. It made his blood boil.

Sapnap winced as he wiped away the next round of tears, pushing a bit too harshly against his tender cheek.

"Fucking pathetic." He muttered, gripping onto the railing. At this point, Sapnap didn't even know if he was insulting himself or his father. Maybe both.

The breeze that he once welcomed now brought goosebumps to his skin, a chill crawling up his spine. Sapnap wished he wasn't feeling this way- he was so incredibly pissed at himself for feeling this way. All things considered, the events of this evening were considerably less traumatic than all the scenarios he created in his mind.

At the end of the day, his dad accepted him. He supported him. He gave Sapnap and Karl's relationship his blessing. Sapnap didn't realize those were not things he wanted.

He didn't want his dad to care about his relationship. He didn't want his dad to think his approval meant something to him. Sapnap didn't want his dad to think his opinions held any value in his life anymore.

In the back of his mind, he had locked away any hope of his father accepting him. He locked it up so tightly, it had suffocated and faded away completely. Now that he had his acceptance, there was no place for it to go. The part of his heart that used to hold onto that hope had been replaced with spite.

Sapnap sank down to the porch floor, sitting on the splintering wood. The mist that came off the thickening rain added to the cold growing inside of him, radiating from his heart. There was one thought on repeat in his mind, swirling around more violently than the clouds in the stormy sky.

Why can't I just let myself be happy?

Even if the misted rain and occasional gust of wind dampened his skin, Sapnap refused to move away from the railing. He found it better to be in the rain's path than to acknowledge that the true reason his cheeks were damp was because of the tears that had yet to stop.

"Sap? Are you out h-" Karl spoke from behind, cutting himself off with a small gasp as soon as Sapnap turned around to face him.

"Shit, Karl. It's fine, I swear I'm-"

Sapnap paused after he pulled himself back up to stand, wrapping his arms around Karl, who had rushed to his side. Karl pulled away after a second, gently turning Sapnap's face towards the light.

"Nick, I'm so-"

"Don't Nick me." Sapnap interrupted, nudging away Karl's hand so he could rest his face in the crook of Karl's neck.

If there was one thing Sapnap was thankful for, it was that his need to protect Karl always outweighed his need to protect himself, meaning he finally stopped crying. Even his subconscious was aware that Karl would internalize every tear he shed.