Because You Are Love (Karlnap)

Chapter 16 - To tell them how to live is to prevent them living

"No you're not." Andrew finally broke the silence. Sapnap sighed, bringing a hand up to wipe the sweat that had accumulated on his forehead. "You've had like a million girlfriends."

Sapnap couldn't help but let out a laugh, opening his eyes to see his brother's skepticism. Sapnap turned to put his back against the door, crossing his legs in front of him.

"Yeah, well denial isn't just a river in Egypt." Sapnap scoffed. "Just because I knew I was gay, doesn't mean I wanted to be gay. I tried everything I could think of to not be gay. Having girlfriends, playing sports, going to church with grandma and grandpa, anything. Much like the closet we're in now, it sucked." Sapnap said while adjusting again, already getting uncomfortable with his current sitting position.

"You're really gay?" Andrew finally asked after processing everything Sapnap had shared.

"Yes, I'm really gay. I haven't actually, uh, told anyone about it. Can you keep this to yourself?" Sapnap asked nervously. Although he was surprised by how easy it was to finally come out to someone, there was still the fact his secret was in someone else's hands weighing on him.

"Of course, I'd never tell." Andrew assured him. "Um, but if you don't want anyone to know, why did you bring your boyfriend?" Sapnap felt like his heart was stuck in his throat hearing his brother's question.

"Karl isn't my boyfriend." Sapnap said after a noticeably long pause.

"Oh. You want him to be though, don't you?" Andrew pressed gently. Sapnap had his eyes closed again, taking his hat off and running his fingers through his hair.

"Yeah. Yeah, I really do." Sapnap said through an exhale. It felt strange talking about his feelings for Karl aloud to someone. He had never even dared to write them down, not willing to risk anyone ever reading it.

"So what's your deal then? Does he already have a boyfriend or-"

"Do you think Karl's gay?" Sapnap interrupted, opening his eyes. Andrew looked shocked by the question, adjusting to also be sitting cross legged across from Sapnap.

"Dude wears nail polish-"

"Nail polish doesn't make you gay." Sapnap interrupted.

"Okay, but he's super touchy with you-"

"He's like that with everyone." Sapnap sighed. "And being affectionate also doesn't make you gay." He continued, letting out a small laugh. Andrew wasn't joking, but just hearing his brother's idiotic ideas of what makes a person gay was kind of funny.

"What about the way he looks at you?" Andrew asked through Sapnap's laughter.

"What the hell are you talking about now?" Sapnap laughed, wiping away more sweat off his face.

"How he looks at you. Like you're the best thing in his life. Like he's in love with you or something." Andrew shrugged.

Sapnap couldn't find any words to say, any way to negate what his brother was saying. All his mind was doing was thinking back to his and Karl's conversation on the porch swing last night. How Karl wrapped himself in Sapnap's arm and explained that he believes they have a love that transcends lifetimes.

"How would you even know what that looks like?" Sapnap tried to maintain his composure, making a snide comment. Andrew seemed unbothered by Sapnap's deflection.

"Because Karl looks at you the way dad looks at Jen." Andrew explained, a slight pain in his voice. "And he never looked at mom like that. That's how I know what it looks like when you stare at a person you're in love with."