Eternal Moon

Chapter 28: Too Close and Far Away

Jamie had awoken long before the watery sunlight began filtering through the small window. Probably because she hadn't slept the entire night. The last night before she would go home.

She had not missed the tiny bedroom above Deidra's tavern. There was no central air or heating and the twin cot was as comfortable as sleeping on a slab of rock. But it had become her home for the past few days as she waited for this morning to finally arrive.

Jamie had left Castle Murdock shortly after Kane walked away from her. Where he had gone, she didn't know but after waiting for several hours, she had given up. With just a few days left until the market run to Inverness, she had opted to stay with Deidra again - anything to avoid Kane. It was hard to admit to herself how disappointed she was when he didn't come after her but she knew it was for the best. Still, she had cried herself to sleep that first night on the cot.

Regret made her stomach roil. She had handled the morning-after conversation terribly. Typical. Instead of being vulnerable and admitting how much she cared about him, she ended up pushing him away instead. And she was pretty sure he had been about to tell her that he loved her.

Fuck!

She rubbed her eyes, hoping to gain the strength to wake up and face the day. There was a time when she would have been bouncing up and down with joy at the thought of finally rejoining civilization. Now all she felt was grief.

She missed her family - at least her siblings and mom - and she was looking forward to some more modern amenities again. But she couldn't shake the feeling that she was making a mistake. Something felt wrong.

Deidra only had a small half-bath for Jamie to wash up, which she did joylessly. Every scrub felt like a chore and she tried not to think about Kane as she changed into the clothes she had worn that day when she first arrived. Tried not to wonder what he was doing or how he was feeling.

Did he even care at this point?

The tavern was silent as the grave downstairs. Only Deidra was up and about, starting a pot of coffee and some eggs for Jamie. She seemed just as morose if not more so. The older woman poured Jamie a cup and served her without a word.

A cloudy, gray sky greeted them both this morning. Its stillness seemed to hang over the pub like a pallor. Jamie felt it like a leaden weight in her stomach.

She had almost finished her entire breakfast before Deidra finally said something.

"The wagon will leave close to seven. Gives you all time to get to Inverness before lunch."

Jamie nodded, unsure what else to say. Finally, "Malcolm will be driving?"

Deidra nodded, avoiding Jamie's eyes. She had been avoiding Jamie's stare all morning.

"Is anyone else going?"

"Well, normally my sister would go..."

Jamie winced.

Deidra still wouldn't look at her as she took the dishes from the bar.

"Are you going to hate me long after I'm gone?"

Her back was turned, but Deidra could see her shoulders shrugging as she sighed. "I don't hate you, lass."

Jamie quickly wiped the tear that had escaped from her eye. "Sure feels like it."

Finally, the older woman turned to face her. "I'm... disappointed. Not necessarily in you either, just the situation."

"I-I don't know what to say-"