Through sickness and in health

16

Tuesday

"Fuck sake!" I hear the yell from outside the room making me walk in even faster. Surgery day was yesterday, Jason has been restless, he hasn't stopped texting me all day today at school. Not that I mind it, I feel terrible that he's stuck in the hospital room on bed rest. And with only his mom and the beeping of the heart monitor.

When I walk in the room I see two doctors holding Jason up, his forehead is dripping with sweat and his whole body is shaking, practically begging to have a break. I can tell he's fighting to hold himself up and keep going. Only one day post surgery, and he's already back up on his feet.
"Jason" one of the doctors whispers
"I can do it" Jason says, his jaw is clenched as he fights to keep himself standing. The sight makes my eyes water.
"Jason you can't push yourself" the doctor says again. Jason hesitates for a second but when his eyes close I know hes reached his limit for today. They help him sit back on the bed,  Jason looking even more frustrated than before.

"Hey babe" I smile walking inside. The doctors smile at me as the nurse fixes Jason's iv and helps him settle back in the bed.
"Hey" he mumbles. He's being distant, i thought this would happen. Jason isn't one to accept help let alone need help. Doing daily things and struggling with them must be hard. He's a helper and a carer. He likes helping others, not them helping him. He wants to be independent, he's not able to do it all himself and he's upset.

"It's been one day your doing amazing" I kiss his cheek sitting beside him on the bed.
"I didn't think the stupid surgery wouldn't set me back this much. I can even fucking stand up without feeling pain in my whole body" he sighs
"And my head is pounding" he adds
"One step at a time" I sigh kissing him. I lean the pillow against my shoulder, which he follows suit leaning his head of the pillow.
"Why are you even trying to walk now it's barely been 24 hours" I whisper tracing circles on his palm.
"They said when I can walk I can go home. I just want to lie in my own bed" he sighs
"Babe I know. But it's only been one day, give yourself some time to heal"
"They also said it's been proven that the quicker you walk around when you've had brain surgery the quicker you recover" he sighs
"I have to tell you something" I whisper, I decided I wasn't going to tell him about his dad yesterday because I didn't want him to try and punch his dad in the face. But now that I know his mom won't say anything and his dad is going to be staying at his house...I feel guilty that he's totally oblivious to the fact his dad is here to see him when god knows how long it's been.

"What's that?" He smiles looking up at me.
"You're-"
"What's up little brother!" Jessica bursts through the door, I can tell she's been crying judging by the dried tear streams on her face.
She walks in plopping on the bed and hugging jay. There is an 8 year age difference between the two but they've always been close, and Jessica is as small as me which we all make fun of her for.
"Don't worry I've got the bags and the child" Luke, Jessica's husband walks in. He holds the door open as ivy trots in. Ivy is their daughter, she's the cutest. She's only 2 years old but she's just like her uncle.
"Look it's uncle JJ!" Jessica smiles lifting ivy on the bed. Ivy collapses into Jason's arms hugging him and he smiles. It's the first real smile I've seen him wear in a little while, I realise which concerns me but I send it to the back of my mind.

"How you feeling? You look great" Jessica smiles looking at the bandage on Jason's head.
"I look like-" he covers ivys ears as she giggles. "Complete shit" he finishes making us all laugh.
"You just had surgery give it a day" Luke laughs sitting in the chair beside the bed.
"How's mom?" Jason sighs
"What do you-"
"Don't give me the bs I see the tear marks on your face Jess talk to me" jason sighs, I smile looking at ivy as she lies in Jason's arms. She's always loved jason, it warms my heart seeing how good he is with kids.

"She was crying saying she's worried. She was going on about how dads back and how she doesn't want him to stress you out but he's been calling constantly and saying if she doesn't let him see you soon then he will just come in and he's calling me asking what's going on because we missed out the part where you had to have brain surgery to remove a brain tumour and-"
"Dads here?" Jason cuts of Jessica's rambling. Her eyes widen realising what she just said.
"You didn't know" she blurts out
"I do now" jason says shouting a little bit. I watch as his chest rises and falls with uneven breaths.

"Alright ivy let's go get ice cream!" Luke says picking her up from Jason's arms, clearly taking the hint that Jason isn't okay with this. She smiles clapping her hands as her dad carries her out.
The heart monitor machine begins to go faster as Jason's breathing gets faster and uneven. I can feel his whole body shaking next to me which concerns me even more.
"Jay breathe. Slow, deep breaths. Try and catch your breath" Jessica says, I'm sat on the corner of the bed frozen in place. He's having some sort of panic attack. This has never happened before.
"Jay look at me" she says
"What do you need?" She asks, he shakes his head as he claps his hands together trying to stop the shaking.
"P-pressure" he manages to spit out. Jessica looks at me, in seconds I'm in his arms straddling him and holding him as tight as I can. His whole body trembles as I squeeze him and whisper things to him.

"Breathe babe" I whisper. I hear the nurse walk in and hear Jessica whisper to her about what's just happened. I hear the nurse say she's going to get the doctor. But I'm too focused on Jason right now to care what started this. I hold him tight and continue to whisper soothing things in his ear and remind him to breath. Jason's breathing slowly slows down as he calms and he buries his head in my neck.
"That's it. Just breath love. Your okay" I whisper
"I-I just don't understand" he says after a minute.
"Why now?" He whispers. I release some of the pressure I had on him and move back, his hand is still clutching onto mine tightly but he's breathing better now.

Jessica hesitates looking at me then back to Jason.
"J-jess" Jason stutters. There's a pleasing look in his eyes as he stares at her. He needs these answers.
"Hes still got half custody of you and was notified when you were hospitalised. He's been talking about you a lot for a while now, he's sorted his life out jay" Jessica smiles
"I'm not going anywhere near him" Jason says
"He put me through hell and back and I'm not doing that again. He wants to pity me, fine. But he can do it in silence I don't want him anywhere near me, I don't walk to see him or speak to him. I'm okay with him being in your life,  but he didn't do to you what he did to me and there's no fucking way I'm surviving that again" Jason says. I had never realised before that it was this bad. I knew Jason's dad did some fucked up things but that coming from Jason says a lot.

"Jay you just had a panic attack, calm down he's not here. You don't have to see him unless you want to" Jessica smiles holding his hand.
"Where's he staying?" He sighs fiddling with his fingers now.
"Hotel somewhere in northwhich" Jessica says
"Jay you should talk to him, he wants to fix things" Jessica says, jay starts laughing. Full blown laughing, smile on his face and laughing.
"You had dad when he was a nice normal father. You know the type that shows up to your father daughter dances, watches your talent shows. Well you know when I was 9 he showed up to my soccer game drunk? When I was 11 he slapped me, I dropped a glass and he slapped his 11 year old kid across the face. He never showed up to my soccer, football or baseball games. He wasn't the one that taught me how to pitch and he definitely wasn't the father he was to you" Jason says. I never realised it was that bad.

"I was mad that you reconnected with him after he went off and made a family. Personally he's not the grandfather I'd pick for ivy to have but that's for you and Luke to decide. I've lasted 6 years without him in my life, I'm not gonna take him back in my life just because I had a brain tumour. He can go back to his perfect family and forget about his son, that's fine by me. He made my life hell, he made me feel like shit I don't need that in my life. You want a father that's fine by me just make sure he doesn't come in the same room as me. I may have his dna but he is not my father" I hadn't realised until now that Luke was standing in the door.

"Noted" Jessica sighs. She picks up ivy giving her a kiss on the cheek before setting her back on the floor. I smile as Ivy comes running back up to the bed doing grabby hands and mumbling stuff.
"Jj" she squeals, just like that Jason goes back to playing with ivy like he didn't just spill so much about his childhood to his sister and me.

His father made his life hell for years, then left him thinking that he was a shit person and even that he didn't deserve to live. That's not a father.