Through sickness and in health

64

Friday

"He was supposed to start the trial yesterday Mom!" Jessica cries over the phone. She called me this morning asking what was wrong with my boyfriend, I ended up having to pass her to Melissa because she needed someone to yell at.
"Honey I can't change his mind" Melissa sighs scratching her neck. She looks defeated. For the first time in a while I feel proper sympathy for this woman.

"I'm gonna go see if Jason's awake" i say quietly. Melissa nods quickly and shoots me a small smile before turning back to the conversation. Or Jessica's arguing.

*~*

"It's over Jessica there's no point in trying" Jason's hoarse voice is the first thing I hear when I walk into the room. I can hear from across the room on the phone and she's not even on speaker phone. Jason sighs and squeezes his eyes shut, that's enough for me to know that his head is hurting.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" I whisper, taking my usual spot in the chair beside Jason's bed.
"Hey Jess I gotta go the doctors here" jason says quickly.
"Thank fuck, I can't bear to listen to her please and cries" he mumbles, letting out an exhausted sigh.
"Jay, I do need to talk to you though"

"Okay" he says pulling himself to sit up with a little bit of struggle.
"If you wanna talk to me about the clinical trial though don't bother my minds made up" jason says. Tears already prick at my eyes and threaten to spill as I just look at him.

He's lost weight. His jawline is sharper. His skin is pale. But his eyes are what throw me off the most. His eyes are full of pain. His eyes no longer hold any hope.

"Jason, it could still work. Your 17 you have so much to live for" I whisper
"Lex" Jason sighs
"I'm not gonna make you do anything you don't want to. I just think you should give it a shot, then you can say you did everything you could" I watch as Jason curses under his breath and closes his eyes, he squeezes the bridge of his nose and shakes his head softly.

"I promised you" he whispers
"Jay-"
"I promised you I'd do everything I could to fight. You haven't given up on me, so I won't give up on myself. This is for you, and for you only" he whispers.

"Come here" he smiles. That's all it takes for me to climb onto the bed beside him and hug him. I smother him in kisses and thank him. But I also pray to god that this works because I have no idea what I will do without this boy.

"Thank you, Jason" I whisper when a few tears spill out.

*~*

Sunday

"Will is coming in today" Melissa walks into the room with a smile on her face, her hands full.
"I know you said you didn't want anything but they had your favourite pancakes" Melissa says as she walks over to us across the room. She holds out the box with the pancakes in but Jason just stares at it with a disgusted face.
"Jay, you should really eat something" jack walks into the room, one cup of coffee raised to his lips and another in his hand.

"You don't get to use that nickname for me" Jason says shooting jack a glare. He shoves the box of pancakes his mom is holding out to him away and turns on his side away from Melissa and jack which happens to be facing me.

"You should eat something, my love. Keep your strength up, you have another round this afternoon" I whisper to him as I run my fingers through his now longer hair. His hair has grown a lot recently and it even has curls in it rather than waves. I love how his dirty blonde hair looks when it goes curly.

Jason started the clinical trial yesterday, he said he was feeling fine which is a good sign but it did take all the energy out of him. Which isn't good because Jason didn't have that much energy to begin with, and with him refusing to eat he isn't helping himself much.

"Even thinking about eating right now makes me feel nauseous" Jason sighs looking up at me with his chocolate brown eyes that I love but I've recently began to hate. Because those chocolate brown eyes that were once filled with so much joy, and so much life, are now filled with so much defeat.

"I know, but even if you take just a few bites it's better than none" I smile softly at him. These past couple of months, I've learned to be more patient with Jason. He's smart, he will listen with a little bit of convincing. It's support he needs. Not demands.

He nods with a huff and turns around again to Melissa who's looking at him with hope in her eyes. Jason pulls himself to sit up, with a little bit of difficulty but he gets there with a grunt. He stares at the open pancakes on the tray for a moment before taking a bite and chewing so slowly. The room is so quiet as we all watch him, and wonder how on earth did we get here?

Just a month ago he was told he was able to play. He was playing and excited to go to California but now he's in a hospital bed, on the last straw.

"Would you stop staring at me? I'm not gonna disappear if you look away for a second" Jason grumbles, still chewing on his second bite.

*~*

"Mom, I'm home!" I shout, I practically throw my keys on the table and kick my shoes off whilst walking into the kitchen.
"Hey dad" I pop my head in the living room and shoot a small smile at him.
"Hey mom" I collapse onto the stool, and lay my head in my arms as soon as my ass hits the stool.
"Long day?" Mom chuckles
"You could say that" I mumble
"How's Jason doing?" She asks, even with my eyes closed and my body begging for sleep I'm able to pick up on her careful tone. Jason's recently became a sensitive subject to me because all my fears are coming to life.

If this doesn't work it's over. There's no more options. My boyfriend could die in a few hours or a few months. No one knows what that time will be like. For us and for him.

"He's on edge. Every day that passes and no reaction from the trial drug, gives us more hope and takes the hope from him" I sigh
"But that means it's working" she says in her usual confused voice when we talk about Jason.
"Jason doesn't wanna get his hopes up too high just to have them shattered. Those are his words" I explain

"But you said he's losing hope" she says
"He is. He thinks that his life is gonna be like this for ever if he doesn't have a reaction. He has it in his head, that there's no up from here. Even if the trial drug does work, he's gonna be stuck in the hospital. No trips, no baseball and no future" my voice goes hoarse and tears start to prick my eyes again.

I will not cry again. I think to myself

"I'm gonna go to bed, I'm tired. I'm going to the hospital early tomorrow" I say, dragging myself up from the stool.
"Your babysitting tomorrow" mom reminds me.
"Fuck me" I whisper to myself
"From 11 to 4 right?" I ask
"Yep, you can cancel if you want" mom says
"I can't ditch the people I've made promises to mom I know. I'll babysit then go to the hospital later on" my phone is already in my hand before I make it to the stairs.

I send a quick text to Jason saying I'm babysitting and I won't make it until later on. Then I collapse on my bed and pass out in minutes. Shower forgotten, and sleeping in my clothes.