Her Love Her Possession (GL*GL)

ch 11

'Noo!
Not here, please!
Not here!'

I begged and begged but the inevitable must happen, right?

My body started shaking.
I stopped walking and leaned on the wall nearby.

My body was aching.
Every inch of my skin was shaking.
And my lungs were hyperventilating.

To be honest, I never once got a panic attack in front of others.
It was always in my small room in the middle of the night.
When only the light of my lamp illuminated the whole room and the door shut tightly.
I would shove my mouth with a piece of my blanket to not make a single sound.
Muffling my voice, my screams, my pain.
Never letting anything out of that room.
My screams, my tears, my pleas
All die in that small room.

But now I was having it in my school.
Anyone could see me in my most miserable time.
That was horrifying.
I would rather be misunderstood for the rest of my life as tough rather than let them know the truth that I am vulnerable
Because I have already made that mistake in the past.
And i regret it.

I went inside the empty chemistry lab. I tried to hide there until it all subsides.
Until this depressing, unlovable side of mine dies.

"Charvi.."
I heard a voice.

Maybe today I am supposed to get caught.

My teacher called out from behind.
She ran after me.

She saw my sobbing self.
My reddened eyes.
My tear-smeared face.
My bleeding palms from clenching too hard.

My eyes met her for a fleeting second.
But I saw the eyes that I thought I forgot long ago.
Those horrified eyes.
Those stunned eyes.
Those what's wrong with her eyes.

Why... I still remembered those pair of eyes from years ago so clearly.

My body trembled on that winter morning.

I took my eyes away

'Don't look at me like that!
Don't!
Don't!
PLEASE DON'T!!'

I turned around my legs jellied.
So I fell to the ground.

Now it was even harder to breathe.
I was inhaling from my nose and exhaling from my mouth rapidly.
Clenching my teeth I don't want to be more miserable.

"Stop this!
Argh!! I hate myself"
I started beating punches on my chest.
How much I hoped I could stop every single feeling I was feeling at that moment.

Tears fall at a faster rate.

'Why I am like this...
Why! I am so weak.'

I choked.

Why! I am...
Words didn't come out. it was almost as if I was drowning, drowning.
I want to die.
I want to kill these feelings.

My hands reached my pocket and found a pen in it.
I took out my pen from my pocket.

swung it in the air,
And in a moment of time

*Stab!*

I stabbed the back of my hand.
I did it twice before the teacher walked closer snatching the pen out of my hand.

"Charvi!!!"
She shouted.

I felt good.
The blood dripping and the pain that was taking over my hand were relaxing.

My heart started racing slowly.
As my whole mind concentrated on that small hole in my hand, my breathing became calmer.

But it was for just a small moment.
The teacher tried to hold me up.
Trying to make me stand.
She was trying to say something but I couldn't hear anything not even a single word.
Maybe they were not as louder as those voices in my mind.
She made me sit on the teacher's seat.

It started all again.
I am tired.
I am tired of this constant pain.
I wanted to stop.
I wanted to stop it again but the pen was taken.

My hand again rummaged through my pocket but nothing was there.

My empty eyes looked for a means to end my suffering when I saw it,
The end of my sufferings, my pain.

A box cutter.
Lying on the teacher's table.
I reached toward it when ma'am wasn't looking.
I grabbed it with my right hand.

I pulled my left hand up when I saw a distant scar that doesn't look that distant anymore.

A scar that was made long ago is going to reopen soon.
Finally, the thing this scar two years ago couldn't do maybe now its purpose would be fulfilled.

And I placed it above my wrist.
Maybe it was all supposed to happen.
Maybe it was..how it was supposed to end.
A tear seeped from my eyes trailed down my cheeks and splashed on the ground, mixing with my blood.

*Bang!*

The door of the lab screeched.

I looked toward it.
My eyes flickered.