Irreversible Moments

Irreversible Confusion

Carrying mom inside was easy, considering she's pretty small in size. I remember when I was younger and I had just started passing her in height. My dad joked about it all the time, and my mom played into it sometimes.

Ever since dad had disappeared, though, me and her haven't really seen each other, let alone talked.

Sometimes, it feels easier this way. Other times, I wish things would go back to normal.

Leaving the room, I look back at her once more. There was no reason to really hate her, but I couldn't help but despise my mother for the way she is now. I know that this is how she's grieving, but I wish she could just get over it! After all, I had to get over it, and fast, because I had to step up and take care of my siblings and the house.

It sucks and I hate the way I feel, and I hate that I want her to get over it just like that, but it's been over two years, and I can't keep doing this. One day, I'm going to finish high school and play college football. And as much as I want to, I can't take my sisters with me.

I shut the door and look into the empty hallway. My throat feels tight, and my eyes feel watery but I suck it up and continue walking.

Trying to focus on something else I look around, it's dark, and there are no sounds to be heard except for some cars passing by outside. The walls are covered with pictures, some of me and my sisters as kids, some of my parents, and some of friends and other family members.

I walk past all of them to last door on the left, my room. I look at it for a long time, trying to collect myself before finally opening it.

Upon opening the door, I see Nick lying on the bed in nothing but a t-shirt and his underwear. He's playing on his phone, just scrolling, probably through stupid memes to waste time.

The walls were covered in posters and even some pictures my sisters drew for me, some new, some really old. The bed was pushed up against the left side of the room, right next to the window.

Overall, the room was pretty clean for a teenage boy, but that's because I am the oldest, so I had to set "good examples for the yonger kids," as my dad used to say.

Turning my attention back to Nick, I start walking over.

"So, we still gonna go over those rules?" I ask as I approach him.

He looks up, turning off his phone when he sees me, scooting towards the wall and away from me.

"What? I don't bite... Unless you want me to?" I tease as I get into the bed, too.

"Shut up! You know what that should be a rule!"

"What? No bitting?"

"No idiot, you aren't allowed to talk the entire time we are together! Makes it easier to want to stay with you."

"Huh?! Excuse me, bitch, it should be you who doesn't speak. Everything that comes out of your mouth is utter nonsense."

"Not true! I make better rules than you!"

"Ok, then what should the first rule be?"

"Well, do we plan on letting anyone else know? Because I say we keep this between the football team." He states, as if it's the best thing anyone has ever said before.

"Okay, but how will that get Conner off my back if he doesn't know? Since we'll just be keeping it between us?"

"I guess that's true. Maybe we could keep this just in the school? If my parents found out, I'm sure they'd flip about me dating my best friend."

"What about the going out on dates? We have make it slightly believable."

"Well, of course that would be outside of school! But like the only people who know, should just be other students, I guess?"

"Yeah, that sounds good. I think another rule should be that we take turns taking each other out on dates, or at least on paying the bills."

"Yeah, that seems fair, but the person who didn't pick the date should pay for the meals."

I grab my notebook and pen on my dresser next to the bed and start writing the rules we have so far.

"Oh! What about touching? And I mean that as a genuine question. Like, what would you be ok with and not ok with?" Nick says abruptly.

"I guess I'd be fine with the same amount of touch we had before."

"Ok, but what do you not want? Like if I touch your hips? Or slap your ass, although I usually do that anyways." He says, laughing towards the end.

"Well, if it's to make it more believable, then I'm sure I'll be fine with whatever. Just no actual kissing, I guess."

"Ew! Who would want to kiss you?" He laughs, trying to fake gag to show his disguste.

"Well, what about you? Anything you wouldn't want me doing then?"

"Same here, honestly. We're already pretty affectionate with each other, and I definitely don't want to kiss you, so I guess that's set." He says, laying down to get more comfy.

After a few minutes of silence, he speaks up again, "What about how we act? Because I think we should act all lovey-dovey when in school, so it comes off as more real, and it convinces more people."

"Yeah, that sounds good. But not too much! We don't want it to seem super fake." I say, writing down the rule.

I look over at him, trying to get a grasp on the situation.

He missed a day of school, probably his first absence ever, and then showed up to practice with a blackeye. And all of a sudden, we're 'dating' and writing down rules?

"Well, we have five rules written down. Do we want anymore?" I ask

"Mmm, I don't know." He groans quietly, clearly geting tired.

Pulling out my phone, I start looking for new ideas for rules. Everything is either weird or wouldn't help us out. So, I go on Instagram to check people's stories to pass a little bit of time.

I turn off my phone after I get bored and look back at the notebook, and go over the rules already written down.

_______________________________________
Dating rules:

1̶.̶ ̶N̶i̶c̶k̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶l̶o̶s̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶s̶t̶o̶p̶ ̶t̶a̶l̶k̶i̶n̶g̶
1. We keep the relationship at school (except for dates)
2. Take turns on planning dates
3. The person who picks the date doesn't pay the bill
4. Regular touches, no kissing!

5. Make sure to act lovey-dovey in front of people. (But not too much)

________________________________________

"Any other rules we want to add?" I question.

After no response, I look down at him.

I finally take this moment to really look at him, and I can't help but feel sad. He bottles up so much all the time, and I know he hates talking about it, but there is definitely something going on.

Showing up to school with a messed up face is one thing, but to not confide in me, that worries me the most. He tells me everything, so to know he's lying hurts.

I look at his face, searching for signs that he's really asleep. After finding nothing out of the ordinary, I whisper a promise to him.

"I'm gonna make sure you have the best month of your life. You deserve so much better than this shitty place." Tucking him in, I get up to turn off the lights.

Today was chaotic, and all I could hope for was that everything would be ok tomorrow.

Pulling out a makeshift bed of a few blankets and a pillow, I lay down on the ground and close my eyes.