Islamic stories

To A Stronger Me

Maybe it was envy that plagued her heart. Maybe is was self loathing that saddened her. Maybe it was knowing it was all the truth that hurt.... And oohhh how it hurt.
For the life of her she couldn't understand why...why did it hurt?
Hadn't she accepted it? Hadn't she said it's okay? Why was it hurting! It had to stop!
It's paining! It's hurting! Why couldn't she breathe ?
Begging for air, why couldn't she breathe ... There's so much air... Breathe Aadila breathe !!!!!
Her lung seemed to have shrunk ... This was the first time that she didn't understand what was happening to her.
What was happening to her?
Aadila breathe , you need air... For the baby...

Yes the baby. But wasn't it the baby's fault that this was happening?
It was! It had to be!
There was no other logical excuse... So we get rid of the baby...
One hard punch, one hard bang on something, maybe she could throw herself to the floor hard on her stomach, that ought to kill it... Kill? Wait.. kill who? What who's killing?
OH no No no! We can't kill the baby! It's our baby then what can we do? It hurts... BREATHE !!!

And soon with a wave of dizziness Aadila fell unconscious. It was the first time that Aadila had experienced a panic attack. But the second soon followed once she regained consciousness, and the memories of what had caused it in the first place induced the second wave... Until again she passed out. This time only waking up for fajar, besides the person who had caused the attack in the first place.

Aadila gazed upon her husband and a pain so unfamiliar yet so painful surged through her heart. Tears formed on her tearline yet with every bit of strength she held it back. She choked back a sob which she disguised as a cough. It was the first of many, first of feeling so lonely. She had nothing to say though there were many words that needed to be uttered. She had nothing to express though all her heart was yearning for ways to open up. She had no one,even though she was right beside the one person she had thought had become her best friend. A sob once again got stuck in her throat, and this time it broke out in the toilet with yesterday's supper. Aadila had thrown up her emotions and her stomach,but it didn't remove even a-bit of the pain.

She was lucky that her husband had shaken her awake and then left immediately for the masjid. Otherwise she didn't know how she would have been able to reign in her emotions and plant a smile on her lips. Aadila performed her fajar with such weak movements that once she had made her last salaam, she collapsed against the wall to her right and remained there. The coolness of the concrete wall feeling pleasant on her over heating body.
She had no idea what to do about her situation, but she knew one thing for sure, she could not allow her daughter to see her like this. So with her body set on auto pilot she got up and started her day. She had woken up her daughter, gave her a bath, prepared breakfast and sent her off to school. Little Aaliya was a blessing to her. An unexpected surprise within 2 weeks of her marriage all those 6 years ago. Aadila thought of her little baby Aaliya as her saviour, a reason to smile when all she wanted was to cry, a reason to carry one when all she wanted was for it to end. Aaliya was her everything.

Now though she didn't know what was better for her little Aaliya and the 5 month old baby still in her tummy. Her husband Sameer was amazing. He would bring her flowers, he would do the dishes once a week and cook every other day. He would be her talking buddy in her lonely times. He was her friend and husband wrapped in one. But things began to change. It was slight alterations though so Aadila had ignored it, however now she wished she had not.

Sameer would come home much later and speak all about his day as usual though now he added that he had gotten new female clients. He would joke about how much fairer they were than Aadila, though he loved her colored skin. At first she was upset but after complaining it would stop a few days before it got to something else...
Ooh this woman came in today and she was talking in this accent and ugh it was irritating and so on... It had hurt but Aadila consoled herself with the fact that every night he came to her bed and wisperd pretty words in her ears.