Medication (boyxboy)

VIII

TW, suicidal content

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Daniel was quite honestly getting really tired of his mood swings. He guessed it was his medication acting up. The one Dr. Joseph had most recently prescribed to him seemed to keep his schizophrenia in check, but he could never keep his emotions completely straight when he was on them. Today he found he was oddly very suicidal.

This concerned Daniel a bit. It wasn't that he necessarily wanted to die, it was simply he was thinking about how it wouldn't be all that awful to die. Thinking of this only led Daniel down a darker path to a darker mindset. Maybe it would be good... "Not maybe, it would be good if I could die," Daniel thought. It could only get worse from there. It did only get worse. By the time breakfast was over (where he was completely unnoticeably mute) he was about ready to follow the advice of the voices he'd been hearing and hang himself in the common room on the light fixture.

Part of him knew that was a ridiculous idea that he'd never actually follow, and that part kept him safely in his room, Rick popping in every now and then for whatever reason. Daniel was supposed to go to his therapy sessions, but he falsely told a nurse he wasn't feeling well. She didn't stop to ask if he meant physically or mentally (they were treated as equals here), she only allowed him to stay in his room aside from meals and his visit with Dr. Joseph.

Daniel couldn't quit thinking about suicide. He couldn't think of four people that would particularly miss him. Of course he knew Jack and his parents would miss him dearly, but surely they'd manage without him, Jack especially. He could get new friends and move on. Daniel figured he'd be nothing more than a rather distant memory to Jack within a month.

Daniel wasn't an only child, he did have two sisters, so he knew his parents wouldn't be completely left alone. He knew they'd still be devastated, but they wouldn't be alone.

This was enough for Daniel, just the reassurance that he wouldn't wreck anyone with his death, whether that actually be true or not. He slipped out of his room to go to Dr. Joseph's office. He knew he was free at this time of day, so he could try to talk to him about something, get him to leave for a moment, and "borrow" something to overdose on.

As Daniel walked into the smallish office, he found nobody was in it. He wondered why it had been left unlocked if it was vacant. He spotted the medicine cabinet though, which contained pills and such for all the patients. Daniel attempted to open it, but it was locked and only Dr. Joseph had the key. He also knew the common room was nearly always watched closely, and there was a therapy session going on in there anyways.

Daniel sighed in frustration. He hadn't been as committed as he thought he was to his plans, because he realized he did not want to commit suicide about ten seconds after trying to steal pills. As that thought settled in his mind, that he had tried to steal pills to overdose on, he realized what a mess he'd become. It wasn't like today was the only day he felt this, the thoughts of suicide were always there. They were always going to be there, some days they were just quieter or louder than other days. It was those really loud days like this that sent him to the edge.

He was about to walk back to his room and just sleep all day, but just as he was leaving, Dr. Joseph walked back in.

"Oh, hey, Daniel," he said, surprised. "Did you need to talk to me?"

"Uh, yeah, I was just looking for you," Daniel answered slowly. It wasn't his original intention of course, but he supposed it would be good for him. Plus, if he said he hadn't been looking for Dr. Joseph, what excuse could he come up with for being in his office?

Dr. Joseph had Daniel take a seat, asking him to tell him what was going on. Daniel hesitated. Every time he'd seen a therapist or counselor, he left out telling them about his suicidal thoughts. Daniel had been told if he was planning on harming himself or another, they'd have to tell his parents. He'd left out everything of that nature just to be careful, out of fear of ending up exactly where he was sitting.