Love on the Scale

Chapter Thrity-Nine

I was about to experience a change in the weather. The heat had settled, a blue bruise hung across the sky. I had done some serious thinking and realized, when it came to Neil, I had loved incorrectly. No man could become my self-esteem, my world. The next time I fell in love, if that was even a possibility, I would set some boundaries. As illogical as it seemed, I had given myself away to a total stranger, allowed him to look at me through a microscope, dissecting my every cell. I was left wide open, love had sprained both wrists in a final thrill before its disintegration.

"So, where is it exactly I need to drop you?" James was speaking to me.

"At the community hall uptown, corner of First and Hanley."

"How you feeling about it? You nervous? I mean, it will be totally acceptable if you just sit there and listen, but it will help you a lot more if you participate."

I didn't say anything, so he continued on, prodding me: "I've heard that Joanna lady who runs the group is really sweet. She's been through hell, lost her only child and husband in a house fire..."

"I didn't know that. That's really sad."

"Well, she's helped a lot of people like you."

I gave him an irritated look, "People like me?"

"Oh gosh, Chris, I didn't mean anything bad. Just that sometimes when we get vulnerable in life, well, it's good if we have someone to guide us through it, you know."

I wasn't about to let him off that easily. I understood what he was trying to say, but I also knew a part of him had considered that I had gone slightly off my head, and I needed him to know that I was as sober to reality now as I had ever been. It was just that I'd had a weak moment and made a stupid mistake.

"James, your sister is one hundred percent awake to the reality that is my life. I am not in denial. I am sad and I am arming myself with the tools I need to continue on with the journey that is my life. I understand that you are concerned about me, I do, but I don't need you holding my hand and feeling all sorry for me. I'm a fighter, and I'll get through this without you or anyone else."

"You mean Neil?"

"Did I say Neil? Stop bringing him up. It's over. He's done with me and I'm done with him. Drop it."

James didn't say another word. When the time came for us to leave for the meeting, he called me and we drove the fifteen minutes to the community hall in silence. As I opened the car door and jumped out, he leaned over and said, "Play nice. Make friends." I had to hold back a laugh, but smiled as I turned away from him, giving him a quick thumbs up. I walked slowly towards the front door of the community hall. It was rather obvious that I wasn't out to impress anyone - I no longer wore the clothes Neil had bought me. I was back in my old raggy jeans which had once been tighter and now sagged in unflattering places.

The group had an interesting cast of characters, all at various stages of their illness. The most obvious reality was that the group itself was depressing. Everyone carried a low, dreary mood. Joanna was the only one who wore a smile.

"Hello everyone. Welcome back! It's absolutely wonderful to see you all here."

There was a pause. We gawked at her unflaggingly cheerful, glowing face. Suddenly her smile dropped, "... except Travis. Travis isn't doing so well." No one said a word. She continued, "Lets all have a quiet moment for Travis."

Another uncomfortable silence until someone said grumpily, "What happened to Travis?" It was a question asked with total disinterest in the answer. "Travis is spending the week with his family." Joanna answered. "That's code for 'he's in the hospital'", a young girl in a purple t-shirt said, head shaved as if she was shortly leaving for the army.

"I would like us all to look around. We have a new friend that needs our healing presence." There was a groan. Joanna ignored it with a short cough and continued, "Let us begin. New girl, we start by moving around the support circle and introducing ourselves. To give you an example of how it works, I will begin. Hello." Everyone echoed back hello. "My name is Joanna." Welcome Joanna, the responding drone. "I am thirty-six years old. I lost my son and husband in a fire. I have been in recovery for nine years. My latest challenge is greeting each day with an open mind."

The call and response continued, each person in the circle stating their name, age, what was wrong with them, and their latest emotional challenge. They talked about their fights and their battles, their shrinks, doctors and hospital visits, their families. One guy said he had started to smoke cigarettes, that it made him feel alive. No one judged him, they were too tired for such a mental effort. Just when I thought they had forgotten about me, I felt a strong nudge from Joanna sitting next to me.

I cleared my throat. "My name is Christelle, but my friends call me Chris." Welcome Chris. "I'm eighteen. I was ordered join this group because I am depressed, sad and sometimes feel empty. Two weeks ago I tried to kill myself. Thank you."

I realized I had probably spoken too quickly. Nothing registered on anyone's face. They just sat there, and it wasn't because of what I had said. They were all just bored and waiting for Joanna to continue. She was lost in thought, but after a long moment, she suddenly awoke as if seeing us all for the first time, and said,

"Thank you, everyone. Would anyone like to add anything." No one did. She gave a short talk about the types of emotions we were possibly engaging in, and what to do when in the grips of a dark moment. She then thanked us for listening and ended with another rather annoyingly long pause, as if encouraging us to contact our deepest inner wisdom. Someone, I made it out alive. The group had cured me. I had never felt happier than I did leaving the confines of that small, claustrophobic group of misfits.