Love on the Scale

Chapter Forty-Seven

We stood and looked at each other for what felt like the longest time. We stared, my heart beating so fast. A mixture of "please take me in your arms, you have mo idea how much I have missed you"; and the other part so racked in fear, wanting me to walk away and say "Don't come close to me, I Am Still Trying to Get Over You."

I was still writhing in the wounds from crashing into the sun after our brief moment of flight; "forget him" at my temples all the while my heart was screaming "Remember" at the top of its lungs. I had Phantom limb syndrome, could feel his arms around me all the time. But I had paradoxically also started learning how to enter a room without worrying, or maybe hoping, that he would be in it.

It was time to go. I turned, started to walk away. Before I got out the door, his hand grabbed my hand, gentle, urgent.

"Chris, don't walk away from me. I have been waiting for this moment. I need to talk to you..."

"Look, I have to be somewhere..."

He didn't release my arm and I wasn't moving away.

"Look at me, Chris." I turned around. Our eyes burning each other, neither looked away. I wasn't that girl anymore. "Can we go some place where we can talk?"

No.

"Yes."

He took my hand and we walked outside. The moon was bright. We sat on the swings at the park across the road. We didn't talk at first, just felt the flow of sweet night air on our faces, enjoyed the naive experience of feeling so very alive next to each other again. Finally Neil spoke.

"You look beautiful. You've changed... in a good way... I can't quite put my finger on it, but I like it. There's a simplicity in your face... You're glowing."

I had my eyes closed, enjoying the way his atoms clung to my skin, making me deliciously dizzy, was enjoying the freedom of the swinging.

He spoke again. "So... how've you been?"

"Really good, actually." Apart from missing you. "Brandi helped me get a job... plus-size modeling. And you?"

"Oh wow. Chris, that's amazing. Amazing... I've been great, too. My parents have officially split. It's better. Now my mom can get on with her life. She was always a slave to Charles' needs. Now it's her time."

"Oh wow, that's hectic... but it's good... that you're okay with all of it. You told me before that its their life and they should do what they need to." We both swung to and fro in silence again. "I think your girlfriend would object to you hanging out with your ex like this." I was casual, hoping I didn't sound like I was fishing.

He stopped swinging.

"I don't have a girlfriend, Chris. Where would I find space for someone else? All I've been filled with since we met, is you. Chris, I miss you."

I ignored what those words could mean. I wasn't ready to be open again. I loved him, missed him too, but my fears erased the reality of all that. I was feeling his charm pull me back. No, this was not going to happen. I suddenly stood up from my swinging, and began to walk away. I just couldn't do this again. The magnetism between us would pull me straight back to him if I didn't get away from this place really quickly. "I have to go." I said.

"Chris, if you don't want me anymore, I'll understand. Just at least say it to my face."

I started running, I had to get away. I had to get as far away as possible from this man I knew my heart could never replace.