The Nerd Who Rules The School

Chapter 32

"Are you sure?" My dad asked me nervously, searching my face for signs of crying. He found none, but that didn't make him worry any less.

"Yes." My voice sounded detached even to my own ears. Normally, I would have given him a small smile to reassure him, but I couldn't smile. My lips didn't know how to move, I had forgotten how to smile after Maya.

"It is good to have some distraction, and try to fall back into old patterns." My mom reassured him.

My dad's worry lines still hadn't faded yet, but he said positively, "Okay, yes I guess it will be ... good for you." The optimism was too forced on, I almost cringed.

"I should go now, or else I will be late." I said before they could think too much.

"Okay, goodbye. Love you." My dad shouted after me.

I only gave him a small wave with my back turned, so they couldn't see my blank face.

I went into Asher's car and the concern on his face was worse than my dad's.

"Are you sure?" He asked, again, giving me a glance before shifting the gears.

This was getting annoying.

"Yes." I answered impatiently.

"Okay." He didn't sound okay.

He parked in the parking lot and we got out. I braced myself for all the stares and whisperings I would receive today. I held my head up high and put on my glare.

"Can't believe she died just like that."

"Poor Laura. She just lost her only friend."

I tried my best to block out the whisperings and ignore the pity stares they would give me. Asher walked me to my locker and to all my classes, never leaving me alone. He would also glare at anyone that dared to glance at our direction.

School was indeed a good distraction, it did get my mind off it. The teachers were annoying, they tried to talk to me, offering me their condolences and saying I could talk to them anytime. I tried very hard not rolled my eyes, I just listened them out, said my thanks and walked away before things got serious.

I knew all the teachers were just doing their job and being decent human beings but right now I couldn't deal with all of this.

Grace, Angie, Jake and Joel all tried to talk to me, but I ignored them. I knew they had no idea what to say or do and that they were trying their best, but I just couldn't give them the reaction they wanted right now. In the cafeteria, they tried to sit with me but I glared at them and they all scurried away. I only allowed Asher to sit with me.

I never realized how long a school day really was, 7 freaking hours. The lack of her presence was so strong. Every time I thought of something funny, or an inside joke between us, I turned around expecting Maya besides me but there's no one. No one to share jokes, talk, or vent with.

I felt like I was missing a limb, a vital part of me. Going to school just made me miss her so much more. Throughout the day I tried my best to ignore the growing ache in my chest, everything I saw reminded me of her and the pain intensified every single time.

I was as exhausted as a dead man by the time school had ended. Only when I was in Asher's car I dropped my glare and scowl.

The ride back home was unsurprisingly silent, he kept glancing worriedly at me, I pretended I didn't notice. He didn't say anything until we arrived to my house, "Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No." I said bluntly, it came out harsher than I intended.

I could see the hurt in his expression and I tried to soften my tone and reassured him, "I will be fine."

He was not convinced so I added, "I want some alone time."

He still wasn't fully convinced but he respected my space. As I got out, he shouted after me, "If you need anything, anything. Call or text me!"

I turned back and tried to give him a smile to show that I am grateful, but my lips wouldn't move. I ended up nodding and I hurried back into my house.

I tried to do what I normally do, I did my homework, tried to study but my mind couldn't focus. After finishing everything, I realized I had nothing to do. Normally, I would text or call her to talk; or read something but I was in no mood to do it.

I sat on my bed, staring at my white wall that was as empty as I felt. The dark thoughts I tried so hard to bury came back to me like
a tsunami.

She is gone. Gone.

It's all your fault.

If she wasn't rushing back for you she wouldn't be dead.

I tried to think rationally, it's the drunk driver's fault, not mine. I didn't hit the car.

But the demons refused to listen, they just screamed louder and louder, drowning out all other rational thoughts.

I pressed my hands against my ears tightly, as if it could block out the demons in my head. I knew what I was thinking was wrong, I shouldn't blame myself, but I couldn't help it.

It's all your fault.

It's all your fault.

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

I let out a scream. I ran downstairs, my heart pounding loudly against my chest. I needed the demons to shut up. I opened a cabinet in the kitchen where all the medicines were, I got out a sleeping pill, and was about to pop it into my mouth but I stopped.

No no, I cannot do this. Maya wouldn't want this. She wouldn't.

The demons whispered back, how would you know? She is dead.

No no, I thought fiercely, I know Maya, she wouldn't want me to do this.

But she is DEAD. How can you just assume what she would want. Maybe she blames you. Or despises you, for living while she is dead. It fought back.

Will she? No, I know Maya. She will want the best for me, she wouldn't want me to go into depression or-or become suicidal.

How can you be so sure?"

I started to doubt myself, what will Maya wants me to do? To live on, be happy, to move on.

Isn't that what all books and movies say? They must be based on some truths right?

My demons refused to listen, how would they know, it's not like they can ask the dead, they are just assuming. Only Maya knows and she is dead.

I shook my head, no. I KNOW she would want me to move on, if she cares about me at all- which I know she does- she WILL want me to move on and be happy.

Slowly, I put the pill back and retreated back into my room. I sat down on my bed and hugged my knees tightly. I wanted to discuss this with someone, anyone. My fingers automatically dialed her number. I managed to end the call before it reached her voice mail, before I could hear her voice.

There would be no one answering anyways. I told myself, fooling no one.

The demons' voices were overpowered by another voice, what will you do now? Without Maya, what are you?

What am I going to do without you, Maya?

I was more alone than ever. She was always with me, for as long as I remembered. She was there for me for everything and I for her. Now she had left me, what am I going to do? It was like losing part of your soul, my other half. You can still live on but you will always feel something missing. She was my other half, the one thing I couldn't live without. Doesn't everyone need at least one best friend? One friend? Now I had none.

"Oh Maya." I whispered to myself. The pressure behind my eyes intensified and I squeezed them shut.

I missed her so much, so so much. Words couldn't describe how much I miss her, everything about her.

"Maya, how am I suppose to live without you?" I whispered into nothingness. The only answer I received was the echo in my hollow left chest that once contained a beating heart.