Golden & Gone

Chapter 16

11 months later...

I pack up the car and prepare to leave. I give my mother a peck on the cheek, but that was all; no words uttered, no good-byes, and especially no apologies. I load the car by myself and don't look back at the life and house and mother that had so long constrained me. This is for me. It isn't for her, or my father, or this town, but simply for me. 

The first choice I really made by myself for myself was choosing Jacob. It wasn't a popular decision, but it was the right decision for me. Now the right decision is to leave. To get as much distance between me and this town as possible. So, I am going to college out of state, to New York City. Across the country. I never even knew it was an option until I got the college brochure in the mail. I jumped at the opportunity. 

I still see Jacob. I often think I see his silhouette or his shadow on the places we used to go together, like the dock. I still think I hear my father's boots walking up and down the stair case sometimes when I haven't gotten a lot of sleep. It bothers me. Both of them were one and the same; two messed up men who I loved in a twisted way. The only way to let go of them and move on is to let go and move on from this town. That's why I am going to NYU. I want my days to be filled with life and joy rather than filled with memories of those now dead.

So, I am leaving. In some ways, I would have never done it if it wasn't for Jacob. Sure, he was pretty screwed up and in return screwed me up in some ways, but his boldness helped me embrace my own boldness. 

And so, I pack my car with what I want to bring with me, so almost nothing. There is little I want to bring with me. I am leaving Jacob behind, just as he would have done with me. I will leave him, forever standing on that dock, golden but now gone, as the sunset shades his hair, and his smile lingers for one last time.