The Way This Feels

Chapter 3: Condensation

5 days after the party, I'm operating in comfortable numbness. I smoke, watch YouTube, smoke, watch YouTube, and smoke. Communication with Echo is way down, just a meme or so a day, if that, but I convince myself that's not a problem. I've decided I'll see him at the next party, he'll see that I'm not holding anything over his head, he'll be my friend again. Problem solved. For now, I just get to be by myself, which is perfectly fine. 

Today is a good day though, I'm happy about my plan, confident that everything will be fine. I'm sitting at the breakfast bar nibbling on a plum from the fruit bowl, because nothing else seems to want to go in my stomach. Then my phone, which is sitting face down on the white countertop, buzzes. I jump much more than necessary, as a lightning bolt of anxiety strikes my chest, the plum tumbling onto the breakfast bar. After I told my mom about this phenomenon, that the buzzing of my phone makes me really anxious, she told me I should quit screens for a few days, but that just seemed like it might make things worse if I was completely cut off from the rest of the world.

I almost throw my phone across the kitchen when I see who it is. I feel searing, smarting, pain go through my body at the sight of his name, followed by, not an image, but actual words, for the first time in days.

Echo: Are you home?

For some reason I'm terrified to answer this, like I'm being set up. If I say yes, he'll have no excuse for... whatever it is he's about to ask or do. If I say no, he'll know I'm lying, or he'll just wait for whenever I do get home. I wish I could ask someone what to say even though I know in the back of my mind that I have no control over what happens anyway. But I'm so reluctant; I'm terrified of the inevitable conversation, I was banking on seeing him somewhere casual, not today, so I could prolong things. I imagine what Violet would do if I told her what's going on, "You are not obligated to respond." She'd tell me serenely. Frustrated with that, I picture Angel instead, she'd probably just throw my phone into the lake. Hannah... I'm not sure what she'd do. She'd encourage me to be truthful and just get it over with. But none of those people are here now. It's just me, just me staring at this text trying to find out what it means while my brain spins around in my skull and I think obsessively about smoking again.

Me: Yeah

I send it without really thinking. My thumbs just type it, and my stomach lurches as the text sends. He starts typing right away, making all my insides vibrate.

Echo: can I come get you?

Absolutely freaking NOT! Its Angel's voice saying it. She would advocate for my autonomy, my right to control my environment and what happens to me in it. And she'd be absolutely right. But there's another small voice deep inside me that's whispering... I miss him so badly... how could I pass up this chance to see him? Maybe he wants me back, he feels bad for what he did?  And even if he doesn't... the thought is painful... but if he doesn't, then this is the last time I'll see him. So, I should see him. I should. For closure, or whatever. Trembling, I type.

Me: Yeah

I'm going to cry, or throw up. But I don't, instead my body starts to shake really badly from head to toe. My teeth even chatter. I have to force myself to breathe and my body to relax so when he gets here, he doesn't think I'm nuts. 8 minutes later, I watch the clock, his low riding boxy beige car glides up in front of my house. I throw on my jacket despite the heat, hoping it hides the uncontrollable shaking, and saunter out as casually as I can muster to the car, staring fixedly at the ground. 

I'm going to get in the passenger seat, when I jump back, again startling much worse than necessary, but there's a boy sitting there, a boy who isn't Echo. He gets out of the car, while I take a few steps back, contemplating going back inside. He towers over me, which is quite a feat as I'm not exactly short. He holds the door open, gesturing for me to get in the car, smiling all the while. I know him, but my brain isn't making the right connections. I'm running on stress and no sleep and no food, so people's identities aren't exactly taking the top priority. I sit down, sliding into the middle of the bench that is Echo's front seat, my heart racing, and the stranger falls in next to me, trapping me in. Eyes like mahogany, swooping reddish brown hair, and a winning smile. It's... it's... Echo catches my eye from the driver's seat on the other side of me, he offers me a flat smile that I don't return. Just turning my terrified owls' eye's back upon the stranger who's now shutting the passenger side door. I'm really frustrated with myself that his name escapes me. But before I can remember it on my own...