Home, please please let me go home.
I don't think I've ever been in a real home, with people whom truly cared for me and me like wise. I have been asking myself, what makes me, me? What even makes me a Mccall? It's all in the dna one might say, but what if we dig deeper, who am I then?
I think most teenagers my age have gone through an existential crisis or two, so this is expected, it has to be.
I went to the playground that I used to play with my brothers, we were so small and we had no clue what this world held for us. Clueless if you will. I went over to the swing and took a little turn to find myself sitting at the very same spot on the grass as usual from my childhood, all Inocent. I layed down, not giving a care to the world as to what I was going to do tomorrow. I plugged my headphones in and started the tape.
"November 13 2010, you were just turning 10, you had learned about your oh so brave older brother Stilles whom you looked so much up to, had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and an eating disorder. This drove me mad because i knew this could possibly ruin my chances at ever becoming the athlete I've always dreamt of becoming. But even more important, your little brain couldn't handle that, your Stilles, the Mccall everyone would be compared too, wasn't that perfect. Saying this made you happy is a understatement - this fulfilled you, you see this thrilled you. Finally you, a fucking 10 year old, could have a upper hand on her peers, you could be in control if you choose too - and that, u in fact did. Fast forward to 2012 you made the choice that would, forever change my life. On December 15 at excatly 3:00 pm I was scheduled to have a meeting with a top coach from UCLA about potentially sponsoring me and giving me a full ride for the future. This meant everything to me. I had been working with countless psychologists, physical therapists, doctors, mom and dad and so much more. I let myself be humiliated and humbled in the search to qualify for the sports program even with these extra weights weighing me down. You just couldn't stand the thought of me being happy, could you? And now I know you were old enough to know better, darling you knew your words could end me, because you were in control. After the meeting, the coach wanted to get a glass of water and you were quick to volunteer to guid him, I said thank you for doing that, because I was grateful, what a great little sister i had that could allow me to be alone for a second to gather my thoughts, she's just the best. You went out in the kitchen and did this thing that you always used to do as a kid. "I've heard a secret that..." and so you the coach what I had dealt with, you told him about my countless relapses, one worse than the other never once did you mention one thing that could of put me in a good light. Oh no, you had your own personal agenda - you wanted to be the perfect Mccall. When he came back to the living room, his head was red as the sun and he was sweating and trembling, when the words "I am very sorry this was a mistake"came out. My world feel apart, right there in that second, that sentence triggered something in me, I went mental - swinging at glasses and plates, everything I could get a hold of in that very moment I wanted to destroy, and that was when I let my eyes on you. You, it had always been you hadn't it? I was going to pull a knife on you. Can you belive it? Me a 15 year old was going to hurt a minor in the presence of highly influential people on my life. I was doomed, last thing I remembered was that I went looking for my pills and my body had a bad reaction to the pills resulting in me passing out. Next thing I knew I was waking up in a hospital wing, I slowly started to open my eyes, looking at the grey chapped ceiling, I looked around mom and dad were here together, that was a first, i was told I was going to get help,as a matter of fact I was told I was going to a psychiatrist right that instant, I believe them I mean it's mom and dad why would they lie?
I was sad that I had to go back to getting professional help but if that's what it takes, that's just what it takes. As we went into a new wing I went inside a door thag got locked behind me. I was confused as to why mom and dad weren't following along, but soon enough I realized, I was back to the very place that started it all. Krácken ward.
I went crazy when I realized, I was red with anger. All I could think about was ending you, ending mom, ending dad, ending that god awful coach I was in mania."
"Emily!" Someone yelled as they snapped their fingers across my face, yielding me back to the world. Before me stood, a tall figure I couldn't make out a face since the sun was in the way, and in this very moment I didn't care I just cried, I cried and cried and cried I could belive that I was the reason Stilles never got what he wanted. Is that why he turned to drugs? Am I the reason?
I started getting more and more unsettled and sobbing without noise trying to catch my breath. "Hey hey hey it's okay, you'll get through this - follow my breathing pattern" a soft, yet deep male voice said. Ethan.
"Enough is enough kid, cmon let's go home"
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cHile-
I really evaporated on y'all like that for months huh- 😳
Enjoy this long chapter, more stuff will be comming sooner than you think ;)
- drink water if you haven't
- ily so much, so glad that you are here
Toutxoxo
