The Second Born Bridgerton // Benedict Bridgerton

Blank canvas

After I have retreated from the garden, ensured I look acceptable, I move back to the ballroom and just sit for a moment, unsure what to say or do or how to react, and unsure as to what actually just happened. One moment I was sure that he would propose tonight, and now I am no longer sure what is happening or what I am meant to do now. All I know is that I no longer wish to be here and so I also find my way back to the house and to my mother. "Mother, I shall make my way home. I fear that I am becoming unwell."

"Now, now, Peaches. You must stay, there are many-"

"Mother, I do fear that I shall be sick if I stand here a moment longer. I shall be able to make my own way home, you must not come with me." I place a hand across my stomach, in order to feign illness. "Mother it is my courses, I do not wish to embarrass myself as such-"

"You may go home. Take Penelope with you." She hardly looks at me as she mutters absent mindedly, concentrating more on the old man that Marina is now dancing with. "Now do go before you do embarrass us."

With one last moment of eye contact with him, I leave the ballroom with Penelope, and we return home. As soon as we have, I remove my dress and corset and I put on something more comfortable so that I might go to see Lord Granville. I want to paint, that is all that shall calm me down right now. "I shall not be home long, Pen. I have somewhere I must be."

"Peaches, you are not ill?" She tilts her head, seeming shocked that I should dare to lie to mother. "Where shall you be? Where shall I tell mother you have gone?"

"I sneak out every night and mother has not noticed as of yet, you shall not need to say anything to her. If she does ask, tell her I have... gone to the pharmacy or such. You must cover for me, Pen."

"I shall, if you tell me where it is that you are going. Is it a rendezvous with Benedict, sister? You must truly consider this before you go-"

"Why? To protect my virtue? It is already lost, Penelope, there is nothing remaining to protect." I rise, allowing myself to sigh, and as I do, I feel the tears beginning to form in my eyes as I desperately blink them away. "Why must men be as they are, Pen? Why must they lie and... and... oh, I am... if I tell you this, you must promise you shall not tell another soul."

Penelope nods, taking my hand with her gentle touch and sitting me back down onto the bed where she sinks beside me. "I do swear it, sister."

"Anthony has challenged the Duke to a duel. Anthony shall either die or have to flee since it is now illegal. This... well... it means Benedict shall be viscount. And when he is viscount, he shall not want me as his bride. He must marry more advantageously and sire an heir. And... well, he has made it clear to me tonight that these plans are unlikely to involve me." I frown, as she uses her thumb to stroke little circles around the back of my hand in an attempt to comfort me. "I... I feel distraught, Pen. As though my heart has simply... broken in two."

"I understand. More than anyone ever shall. I wish most days that we were anything other than Featheringtons. With our mother and our swindling money, we do not attract anyone and especially not the Bridgertons. It is the same for me as it is for you... although Marina has nothing and Colin shall still fall for her tricks."

"Tricks?"

"You do not listen at the dinner table at all, do you? Head full of thoughts of Benedict, I suppose. Marina is with child. Mother wishes for her to trick Colin into a quick marriage so that she may claim it is his. Is it not awful for him? Colin wishes to travel, Greece and Italy and all over the world. Once Marina has trapped him into a pregnancy, he shall not be able to escape her." She frowns a little, tilting her head as I look to her with intrigue when she expected I should look at her with shock and outrage. "It... it is awful, is it not?..."

"I could tell Benedict I was pregnant. That shall force him to marry me. Whether he is viscount or not." I think for a moment, instantly regretting that I have expressed that as an idea. I do not wish to trap him or force him to take me to Gretna green. I should never wish such a thing on him. "You should warn Colin."

"He should not care and he shall never believe me. And even if he did, I shall be the one who spoiled his romance with Marina. I should be the terror who ruined it all." She sighs, moving to her feet and fixing one of her curls behind her ear. "I shall leave you to visit lord Granville, and I shall check on you in the morning."

She retreats, and I leave not soon after. The lord allows me into his home and I do not say a word to him, only sitting down and throwing my cloak from my shoulders, gripping onto my paintbrush so intensely that I am sure it shall snap. He seems to understand without me needing to say anything that I wish not to gossip with him tonight, and so leaves quietly and with haste.

I take a blank canvas, knocking the pile of sketches and rough drawings and other canvases from the side as I do, slamming it onto the easel and choosing what to paint with. As much as my brush wishes to dip itself into the deep reds and blacks, a perfect portrayal of my frustration, I force myself to choose pretty pastel colours. They are subtle, they are gentle, and they do well in helping me to calm down.

Perhaps he was correct, perhaps I should not have spoken to Anthony in the way I did. Perhaps I was wrong. But it shall not matter whether I apologise or attempt to reconcile, he shall not marry me and he said that himself. I am not important or noble of rich enough for the new viscount, and I shall never be.