BOUND TO MY MATE

CHAPTER 24

"The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are. The second greatest is being happy with what you find." Unknown/Google

Do you know what self-discovery is?

For those of you who have stuck around to hear my story, self-discovery is when a person examines their thoughts, words, and actions to form a definitive conclusion on who they are. As I sat in the car in an uncomfortable silence with a fuming wolf, my mind drifted to the question that I am sure most of us have asked ourselves at one time or another.

Who am I?

I didn't care what I was because, in my mind, I was and still am a human, but what rattled my cage was I didn't like the person I found myself to be. For one, I am a liar, judgmental, a hypocrite, and, most importantly, cowardly. I lied to Elijah about the true nature of why I honestly went to see Cal in that clearing; I judged everyone in this town before I even knew them, I belittled both Daisy and Elijah for hiding secrets, and yet here I am doing the same. There was not one ounce of courage in me to relay any of these findings to the ones closest to me, and because of the realization, self-doubt crept through me, turning my veins to ice. I instinctively wrapped my arms around myself as I stared out the window, deep in thought.

"A penny for your thoughts, Helena." I'm not sure how long I sat there in silence before he decided to bring me back to the land of consciousness. Turning my head, I can see an amused expression mixed with worry. "Do you wish to talk about whatever is bothering you?" He asked with a disinterested tone, but I knew he wanted me to explain, but how could I? How could I calmly tell him that I was a shitty person and still hope that he would enjoy me as a mate? So, I decided to once again lie to him about my feelings.

"I'm just nervous about meeting this witch. I gave a shaky laugh hoping to mask my guilt and nerves. It's not every day a girl gets introduced to the supernatural beings of this world."

"Relax, love. We won't belong, and I will kill her if she tries to harm you. I already told you I would burn the world down if I ever lost you again." His tone sounded casual, but the way his hands tightened on the wheel made his knuckles turn white. I indicated that he was pissed at the thought. "Do you know where the expression 'A penny for your thoughts came from?" An amused smile lit up his face, and it was a sight for sore eyes. My heart lifted just a bit to see him look so carefree. I shook my head no, "I am surprised you don't remember. Sir Thomas More first used that idiom in his book Four Last Things. A memory suddenly popped into my mind of me reading this book in the room of my small cottage with Rosa. This was back in 1533. " I remember, and you gave me that book shortly after we met when you caught me staring at your library. I was fascinated with death, judgment, heaven, and hell. The last stages of the soul in life and the afterlife. I still wonder where my soul will end once the dust settles." I mused.

"Sweetheart, your soul will go to that place in the heavens where there is no such thing as time. It's where you rested until you were reincarnated, and it's where you were at peace with the Goddess," he stated in a matter-of-fact tone. "You have always worried about your soul and the afterlife, but you're as 'pure as the driven snow, and there is no doubt in my mind if there was a heaven, you would be in it."

His words were meant to soothe and comfort me, but they made me feel so much worse inside. I could hardly call myself pure, and the fact he saw me like that made my heart swell with pride and guilt. This feeling wasn't just going to go away on its own. I needed to clear the air; otherwise, I could never get rid of this stupid ass feeling of shame. I took a deep breath and mentally prepared myself for the conversation I knew we needed.

"Elijah, I need to tell you something." My voice came out too quiet for my liking. He gestured with his head for me to continue. " I was not being honest with you about my intentions with Cal that night in the clearing." His muscles visibly tensed, and I almost lost nerve, but I continued. "I am not sure why, but I am attracted to Cal in a way one would be with a lover. At first, I thought it was his power, but more than that. I wanted him. I needed him, but those feelings evaporated instantly once I got a glimpse of who he truly was. He told me that we were fated to be together and that he had waited for me for a long time. According to him, our being mates is inconsequential. I betrayed your trust and nearly cost you your life, so I apologize. If you wanted another mate, I would completely understand."