All the pretty girls in the world But I'm in this space with you
Colored out the lines I came to find, my fire was fate with you
Heartache would stay with you Fly great escapes with you, oh
- Honey, Kehlani
•••
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Two Months Later
"It's been a few months since I've seen you. How have you been?" my therapist Dr. Westward asks
Dr. Westward is a kind older woman with red hair and the kindest green eyes. I think what I like most about her is her inviting presence and her genuineness. She actually cares, not many people truly do, but she does.
Unfortunately, all those attributes won't stop me from lying straight through my teeth.
"I've been fine"
I'm not fine at all, my overthinking has gotten out of hand, so I haven't slept this whole week.
"I know today's a difficult day for you, so take your time"
I just nod with a sad smile on my face
It's Valentine's Day and unfortunately my birthday.
I've always hated my birthday.
Having my birthday on the national day of love when the only love I'd ever received was from my mother and Maddie, was weird.
Everyone would be enjoying all the love in the air while I never really got a whiff of it. I love my mom but she stayed married to our abuser, and every birthday I wished and prayed that it would finally be the day she left him.
I hoped that she would finally realize that he was everything love wasn't, but those roses and cheap chocolates always brought her back into his arms.
But this year was different
Their divorce was finalized last week and she was finally free of him, I was free of the worry and guilt I felt for leaving my mother with him.
I also have Efi, who's been patient with me and the best support system on my journey. Not to mention that her kisses and cuddles have put this odd warmth in my heart.
If all things are going ok in my life, then why am I holding on by a thread right now?
Despite all the changes in my life, I myself, have not changed.
I'm still the same Darren I was a year ago on this day. Sad, depressed, and tired of living.
Which makes me feel guilty because I have so much to live for, so many reasons to go on and conquer the day... but it's like I can't.
