I Wish To Die Peacefully

Chapter 14: The Reason Doesn't Matter

AVA

It's my twenty-first day of staying in the Albrecht duchy. It doesn't look like they're planning on casting me outdoors any time soon.

I glanced at the wall clock on the corner of my small room. It's an hour before supper will be served. I still have several minutes to rest.

Sighing, I flopped down on the bed, face-down on the pillows.

It's tiring... It's so much draining than I had anticipated – acting like an eight-year-old little girl...

Thinking about it, I don't even know how children usually act. It's like my experience of being a child in the past was completely useless.

Well, it can't be helped... All I did back then was act fearful of everything and walk around with my head down. That can't be the usual behavior of an eight-year-old child...

And so, I started to copy the young heroine, Sophia's behavior as described in the book before she got kidnapped; a talkative, active child who acts friendly with everyone around her. I did mix in different temperaments since my background and Sophia's background were obviously different from each other. I make sure to make it seem like I have a minimum guard up, a child hanging onto her last rope of survival in the form of the Albrecht household.

Naïve, friendly, a tad clueless, always curious, a little shy, a little anxious, an innocent little girl starved of love and kindness from a cruel world... That's the image I was going for, and from the look of things, I had been able to show those qualities by the way the people of the Albrecht household treats me.

I like that they like this new Ava that I very carefully planned and acted out; but despite my relief that I was well-liked by everyone, I felt more tired than pleased with my small success. This isn't exactly myself, and there are times that my fearful self interferes with my act and I end up slipping dark thoughts and emotions in front of people. I felt the need to suppress such moments at first, then I realized that it's fine. As a child with many traumas, I can act that way. It's fine to have breakdowns every once in a while... That way, I'll seem more vulnerable.

I tossed to my back and stared at the ceiling. My head is throbbing again... I really need to have a good sleep to get rid of these frequent headaches.

Not only is it stressful to always act bright and bubbly, I still haven't had a whole night's sleep after three weeks of staying in the duchy. For some reason, I get nightmares every night – bad dreams of experiencing the fatal fall that killed me in the past life, nightmares of the hellish days inside the Krauser duchy and of the countless days and nights of roaming the alleys as a slum child.

It's as if there's someone who wanted to etch all those painful and helpless moments in my mind. The nightmares tire me out further that sometimes I just couldn't help but cry as I grieve over the life I lived before. Thinking about it, everything was happening so fast that I was given no time to be sad about what happened to me. I had no time to lament over my own death.

An idea passed my mind and I thought that perhaps there really are people who's making me have all those nightmares. They're not 'people' but 'gods' rather... The three of them might be having a field day giving me nightmares every night. Is this a penalty of some sorts? Or does this come with the set up?

"Can't you give me a break? You're making it hard for me seriously... Don't you think you're being too harsh?" I whispered under my breath.

I was contemplating getting sleeping pills with the first pay I would receive from the Albrechts when someone knocked on my door.

"Yes?" I called, sitting up.

The sudden movement made my head spin and I gave a strained groan as I clutched one hand on my forehead.