I Wish To Die Peacefully

Chapter 1: Dying doesn't feel so bad

AVA

The room is bright. It must be morning.

How many days have passed exactly?

I struggled to look towards the balcony of my room, my eyes trying to adjust to the light. It's so strange. I've spent hours and hours of sleeping, yet my eyes feel so tired, like I can barely open them.

The light is hurting my eyes. I want the curtains closed. I should get up and do it myself.

I tried moving and sat up on the bed. The moment I did, everything around me went spinning. I fell on the pillow, coughing drily. My breaths suddenly became shallow and I felt suffocated.

Water. I want water.

Struggling to turn my head onto the bedside table, I looked at the glass pitcher sitting on top. I moved one hand across the rough bedsheets, desperately trying to reach it.

My hand is shaking. If I don't get up, I won't be able to reach the pitcher. My throat felt so dry. My whole body is burning up, dulling my senses, making breathing difficult. Am I getting worse? It's been several days since I got sick. But I'm not feeling any better.

After minutes of struggling that felt like an hour, I gave up. I can't move. I feel so dizzy. I want to throw up, but there's nothing to throw up anymore. How many days had it been since I last ate a meal? I can't remember.

What exactly did I do to deserve this? I've always lived as if I'm not there. They told me to live quietly like a mouse, and I did the best I could. Was it not enough? Is this my punishment? I can't understand why I'm living like this.

But perhaps I've brought it upon myself. After all, I did nothing to defend myself. Yes, this is the consequence of being weak. Like how I only have myself to depend on, I have no one to blame but myself.

Suddenly, I felt moisture on my face. Tears are falling from my eyes, sliding down sideways onto the pillow.

Ahh, I'm crying. They told me not to cry. I must stop immediately, before somebody sees.

My eyebrow twitched. 'Somebody'? Who?

No one has set foot inside the room for days. Perhaps they have forgotten about me altogether. It's not as if this is the first time that happened.

All of a sudden, my outstretched hand which I had been staring at turned blurry. Is it from the tears? I tried blinking and focusing my eyes, but my vision remained blurry, then slowly darkened.

It turned dimmer, then darker. A second later, I could see nothing but black. Black nothingness... My head feels like it's floating.

I tried moving a finger but I couldn't feel anything. Is it moving? I couldn't tell.

I felt more tears in my eyes. Ahh, I told you to stop crying. They don't like it when you cry.

But my stupid eyes won't follow. I felt liquid flowing on my face until a minute later, I can no longer feel it.

I can no longer feel anything but I do know it's turning cold. So cold. Like I'm lying on ice. Ahh, can I really not feel anything? Then why do I feel cold? You're being ironic, Ava. Snap out of it.

Let's just not think anymore. Yes, don't think anymore. My mind is a blank canvas. Yes, a blank, white canvass. Let's just wait a moment. Perhaps this sensation will pass.

But it didn't. Why though? What's happening to me? Am I dying?

In that instant, something inside me clicked, like I just completed fitting in a puzzle piece to reveal a bigger picture.