The Reluctant Mate

25 Porter

I carried Amanda to my bed and put her in it. I knew she had been sleeping on the couch in her hostile little nest, but this would be more comfortable for her. And she definitely hadn't been shy about being in my room because the entire space smelled more like her than it did like me by this point.

I was too worried about her well-being to enjoy having her scent in my space. FJ was definitely not intended for human consumption. Should I take her to a human hospital? No, they wouldn't be able to do anything about the magic component of the drink, which was the real problem.

It would have been nice if we had a pack doctor or healer, but the best we had were rogues with basic first aid training. It wasn't like we had urgently needed one before, since werewolves were so sturdy. But my mate was a delicate little human. She probably needed better care.

But she wouldn't be here much longer, so as long as she was okay tonight, it wouldn't matter later. Once she was back among the other humans, they'd know what to do with her.

For now, the only thing that reassured me was how I could hear the thumping of her heart when I was close to her. Although it was a bit fast, it was still strong. I sat on the floor against the wall and dozed, and hoped she wouldn't wake up and freak out on me for watching over her.

By morning, she was sleeping peacefully and I had stopped worrying that the frail human would die any minute, so I forced myself to leave her there. I had things to do, since as beta I was in charge of the pack in Jason and Carrie's absence. I threw myself into the work, until I received a text that they were on their way back. Then my wolf fell into despair, knowing what was surely coming to us.

I should probably have just rejected her right at the beginning since she was a human, but even knowing everything I knew now I still wouldn't do it. At least she had been mine in a small way, for a short while.

Jason and Carrie and the others were mobbed when they returned, and everyone seemed in high spirits, although I got a few sympathetic looks from people between their excited chattering. They all knew what I was in for as well as I did.

Then, Carrie took Amanda for a walk. I watched them go. My wolf desperately wanted to run, either after them to stop what would happen, or away to hide from what was coming, but I made myself wait. It was better to get this over with. I didn't want it, but if it had to be a break, they said a clean one was best.

I couldn't imagine having this depth of feeling for anyone else, but eventually closure might let me heal, and maybe I would someday find a second chance. I now understood why Max never gave up his search for Lillian. Would anything ever stop me from searching for Amanda if she wanted me? I doubted it.

I saw Carrie a while later, but Amanda was nowhere to be seen. "Where is she?" I asked, instantly worried for her.

Carrie smiled a bit as she walked over towards me. "I sent her home," she said. "She promises not to tell anyone about us and pointed out no one would believe her anyway."

"But..."

"She wanted more time."

"More time?" I should have been relieved, but instead, I was angry and upset. This was like a stay of execution only to endure more torture before the end. "Why?"

"Aren't you happy?"

"Yes. No. I don't know." I didn't know how much more of this punishment I could stand.

"Porter, you've got to let her choose."

"I know that Luna," I responded, trying to keep the disrespectful resentment from my tone. "I've been trying my best, and my best isn't good enough."

"I'm not sure that's true. You're a good man and I think deep down she knows that. She just has trouble seeing it past her own bad experiences."

"Do you know what happened to her?" I asked, even though I knew I shouldn't. I had a name now, Steven, but that wasn't enough to go on. I couldn't actually go and murder him, but I recklessly wanted to play with fire.

"I'm sorry, I don't. And I wouldn't tell you even if I did."

"That's fair." Although disappointing.

"She seemed far less angry and resentful than she was when I explained this to her. I believe there's hope for you two left, if you think it's worth the risk.

It probably wasn't worth the risk, but I couldn't bring myself not to hope that there was a possibility that she would still come back to me.

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And weeks passed, and I learned to live in limbo, not rejected, not accepted. I could function for the pack on autopilot, I could run patrols without needing to think, and I let my wolf wander our territory when I had nothing else to do, but nothing I did completely soothed that constant ache inside me.

If our pack had been more established, we may have been able to spare a guard to shadow her, but as it was, I had to make do with other pack members letting me know that she was alright when they happened to check on her while they were in the city. It was at least something, and probably the one thing that kept my wolf hanging on while we waited for something to change.

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Author's Note:

The aforementioned bonus update and I swear this isn't a one step forward, two steps back situation. Amanda's POV tomorrow. Thanks for reading!