The Billionaire Mafia Boss Alpha Bad Boy and Me

Hating Homoerotic Literature Is Not a Personality Trait

Brynn

Shortly after my father died, my brother began his homoerotic literature (misogynistic classics) phase.

As revenge, I began reading romance, as far from homoerotic literature as you can get. I interrupted his talks during dinner with my annoying talks about the books I read. But what started as pettiness had turned into a passion.

I had always liked love. It was what I focused on in everything. Like The Outsiders, for example. I had become so enamored with Ponyboy and Cherry's love story that I forgot Johnny killed someone. All I remembered about Johnny was that he was shy and could quote poetry. Can't you see? It's a metaphor for how traumatic things are ignored when romance is present.

After alternating between reading, thinking about Ryder, and crying, I finally finished the book. I think I have made a decision. I want to rot in this jail. If Ryder was gone, then what is the point of life?

I thought back to the time we jumped off the cliff together. The intense feeling of exhilaration. The moment when all that mattered in the world was him. His green orbs staring to mine.

It occurred to me that my favorite color was green. It was the color of nature, and more importantly, Ryder's orbs.

The truth was, Ryder was all that mattered to my life. I missed him to the point of codependency. My identity was shaped around him. I didn't need someone to agree to everything I say. I didn't want to live a boring life being a boring housewife and having boring children. I needed someone who would challenge me and force me to do things that I was extremely uncomfortable with- I mean, push me out of my comfort zone. I wanted to live a spontaneous life being a spontaneous housewife and have spontaneous children. I really, really wanted to choose Ryder. The want is not unlike my desire to sin. But he betrayed me.

I knew that if he asked me to get back together with him, I would agree. I love him too much to resist him. After all, love was all about surrendering to a man. It's not about mutual respect or trust or affection or anything like that.

If Ryder got too close to me, my defenses would automatically fall. I would give him everything he asked for.

I threw the copy of the Outsiders against the wall. I felt restless. I tried to focus on something else. I found nothing, except that my brother came out to me through a freaking book. I wish he was here so I could mock him for that. Ugh, I'm missing him. Gross.

Suddenly, the cell door opened. Two people were thrown in with me. I peered at their faces. It was Ryder and Chris.

The instant I saw Ryder, I turned away. I knew if I looked at him for one more second, I would do something stupid, like confess my love or kiss him. I could already feel my faith resurrecting.

I could feel Ryder's hand on my arm. "Brynn." He said in a British accent.

"Ryder." I said as coldly as I could muster.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. "Would you let me explain?"

I walked three steps away from him. "No."

"Could you give me five minutes to explain? Please?" Ryder sounded so vulnerable and weak, I couldn't resist looking at him. The moment I looked at him, I knew I was done. I knew I was going to forgive him and fall into his arms. Better accept it now, because it was a fact etched in stone.

"Fine." I said.

"It was originally a bet." He said. My heart immediately stung. "But as I got to know you, I realized that you are exactly what I wanted. I swear, the way I feel is not a bet. It hasn't been a bet for a long time. I love you. Will you forgive me?"