Toast of the Season

❖ Chapter 35 ❀

❖ ❀

My Dearest Lizzy,

Sweet, darling Lizzy, please tell me what has happened. I cannot comprehend what could have made you break our engagement and I am left to think there must be some misunderstanding. You alluded to our friendship as being a charade and I cannot think of why you would believe that falsehood. I have been drawn to you from the first evening we met and have only ever been honest about my regard for you. Please tell me why you would not think my feelings are true. Being engaged to you and looking forward to our life together has been one of the most joyous experiences of my lifetime. Please tell me what has happened to make you believe otherwise.

Bea was adamant that I beg your forgiveness that she offered me your new address. She only provided it to me with my solemn promise I would only write to you and not visit. 

I am devastated by your letter and the return of my gifts. Please answer quickly as I feel I am near madness without you and the prospect that you will not come back. I need you here, in my arms. I need to hear your laughter and see your eyes. Please come back and tell me what has happened.

Love always, 
Edmund

Lord Westworth,

It does you no credit to carry this ruse any further. Do you think I have not suffered enough? Every word of your letter gives me fresh pain. I had thought you were merely playing a game but your continuation of those lies borders on cruelty now. What did I ever do to deserve such vicious treatment?

You once said that the London Theatrical Society would have an interest in me, but my paltry twenty minute performance is nothing to the weeks of acting on your part. Why would you continue this farce? I can only think that my leaving could have perhaps hurt your ego as I am no longer willing to play my role in the production you had orchestrated. I encouraged you to create a story that would make you appear pristine to your peers for that reason. But for you to pretend you really felt something for me is beyond the pale. I know quite differently.

You cannot write to me here. I have obtained a position as the companion to a fine lady and she would be shocked to know I had received a letter from a man. You, yourself are the one who instructed me that it was inappropriate to receive letters from unattached gentlemen. Please go back to your life before you met me and forget that I ever existed. I am desperately trying to move on, please leave me alone and allow me that.

Goodbye,
Miss Cavendish

Lizzy, my dear sweet Lizzy,

I am sorry that my letters cause you pain, but I can assure you that is only because you believe the falsehood that I am indifferent to you. Your letters are equally as painful for me as I don't know why you would imagine my very true feelings to be counterfeit. Believe me when I say that I cannot sleep or eat since you have left. I am constantly sick with worry that I will not see you again. 

I did not want to write this to you in a letter, I wanted to tell you in person but Lizzy, I am completely and utterly in love with you. You captured my interest from the very beginning and I can honestly say that no woman has ever made me feel the way I do for you. I gave you my first kiss, told you I was yours forever. You tried to think of where you could keep me, remember?  I am not so good an actor to have faked all of that.

And as for it being inappropriate to get letters from an 'unattached gentlemen', I promise you Lizzy that I am as attached as they come. I have told no one of your letter excepting your cousin. She has agreed that we will tell everyone that you are visiting a friend who long desired your company. I refuse to tell anyone that you tried breaking the engagement because I have every hope of still marrying you. It is my greatest wish.

Fields is barely speaking to me, he is convinced I have done something to drive you off. My mother had difficulty understanding why you would leave in the middle of preparing for the wedding. I was required to tell her that you were a bit overwhelmed and needed some time off with a friend. She misses you dreadfully and asks daily when you will return.

Lizzy, please tell me what happened on that day in my parlor when you left so suddenly. I assure you that if you tell me why you believe I don't care for you, I will set it to rights. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

I love you with all my heart,
Edmund

Lord Westworth,

How dare you tell me you love me? I am in shock at the drastic measures you take to get what you want. I have asked you not to write me anymore, yet you continue. You clearly do not understand how painful your words are to me or you would stop. Unless you enjoy hurting me, which I have not ruled out at this point. I will no longer be reading your letters but throwing them into the fire.

Goodbye forever,
Miss Cavendish

Lizzy, my dear beautiful stubborn Lizzy,

You leave me no choice. I know that I promised Bea that I would only write to you at this address but if you will not tell me what has you believe me indifferent then I will come talk to you in person. I will give you three days to write me back what I request and then I will be on my way. If you throw this in the fire before reading it then I will be a surprise visitor on your doorstep.

Love always and forever,
Edmund

Lord Westworth,

Please, I beg you, do not come here! I would assuredly lose my position if I were to receive a gentleman visitor. Lady Snow is enamored with reading romance novels but she would certainly not appreciate whatever dramatics would play out if I were to see you again.

I will tell you what you wish and then you will leave me alone for the rest of my life. I have no desire to see you again.

You claim that your letters are true but I know them to contain lies. You wrote, "I have been drawn to you from the first evening we met and have only ever been honest about my regard for you." and "You captured my interest from the very beginning." 

How can I believe anything you have said when I know you only ever gave me attention because of a wager? Yes, I know that Mr. Atbury bet that you couldn't make the most undesirable girl (me) interesting to the ton by dancing the first dance with her. You certainly made a valiant effort to win that wager by buying me clothes, giving me a lady's maid to arrange my hair, and finding me suitors. Although I believe you took the playacting too far when you proposed. You must be more keen to win than is usual in gambling.

Once I heard of the wager, everything fell into place. I understood instantly why you were attentive to me at the ball. It never made sense to me that you were fixing my hair on the dance floor, asking me to look gentlemen in the eye, refusing to tell me the reason you chose me for the first dance and ultimately being my matchmaker. 

It wounds me to the core that I was so disgusting to you and your friends that in your noble boredom you plucked me from among the crowd to see what you could make of me. A fun little wager between friends. Well, I will tell you and Fred and William that I am a person, a human being who recently lost the only family I had. I was thrown amongst strangers, trying desperately to do my best to find a future. You gave me false hope that I had found someone kind to help me, someone who would be my friend. And I blindly trusted you, only to have the whole thing blow up in my face like a phosphorus experiment gone wrong.

And when the rug was pulled out from under me, I had fresh eyes on myself. You thought me to be a play-toy to be trifled with by London's most eligible bachelors. Well, no more. Go find someone else to divert your juvenile attention for a time. Or better yet, grow up, become a man who doesn't play with the emotions and lives of those you consider inferior to you.

Now that you understand that I know the truth, there is no reason to continue the lies. At one point you did tell me you hated lying above almost anything. It is ironic that statement was a lie. I do hope you find what you are looking for. I hope that you will leave your silly games and make a future for yourself. I am relieved that I will no longer be a part of it.

Goodbye forever finally,
Miss Cavendish