Random life stories from yours truly

Afraid

Keep in mind, Wattpad is my safe space. This book in specific is my home in my safe space.

This chapter will show a darker part of me, and will be a sort of vent.

If you know me IRL, it may help explain why I am the way I am. But you do not have to read this.

This chapter will be updated.

11:32 pm
Wednesday, August 30th, 2023

Today, I was genuinely terrified for my life, all because I wasn't given the full story. One day, I'll update this, and tell you all what happened. But for now, that story was only shared with the people in real life who I trust the most.

This fear made me message two people before getting interrupted.

I thanked both of them for treating me like a person, which isn't something that happens a lot, and I really did appreciate it.

One I also thanked for listening to my stupid rants, and the other, I told was like family to me.

I was going to tell my closer friends the same, and more.

And I really am considering telling them that still, regardless of how safe I might be right now.

But I don't know.

I'm still shaking.

I'm still worried.

My dog is doing okay, so I trust her. But how long until I hear something go cla-clack! and BANG!?

I'm scared.

So I'm going to do what I can to explain how I see things if anyone's wondering.

I see people differently, I think.

When I don't know someone, I forget their face, name, and colors. They're basically a template to me. But when I learn their color palette, name, face, and even personality, I start seeing them fully animated.

To me, every person I met, online and in person, has had this light to them.
The brighter the light, the safer I feel around them.
The happier I get.
And the longer I know them, the brighter they become.

Sometimes, people start out bright to me. Other times, it's uncomfortably dim, and needs more time to warm up.

That doesn't mean certain people don't make me happy.

Hell, sometimes, my own nemesis makes me happy! Although, on the brightness scale, he's just barely above dim.

I have abandonment issues.

It explains why I get so worried when someone doesn't answer my messages and calls, and why I'm so terrified of being forgotten.

It's riddles me to this very core.

So if one of you ever meet me in real life, and come of as "clingy" or "annoying", it's because I'm trying SO SO hard not to lose a friend.

And please know that I will try to be the most loyal friend out there!

Even if you say that you hate me for existing, I would still have your back when you need it! (But I may be a grumpy little shit about it)

I don't expect anyone to do the same. I just want to do what I can to make other people as happy as they make me...

Which leads to another fact about myself.

I'm afraid I'm not good enough for my friends. Mortified, even.

While I love all of my friends, online or irl, I have this lingering anxiety that I'm not good enough for them. That I'll never be able to make them as happy as they make me.

Those little moments where I'm treated like a human makes me so damn happy!
So if anyone wants to say something to me, even if it's a little cringy, it would make me the happiest human on Earth.

At one point, I had just become friends with someone. We had bonded by telling the person behind us to "stfu", and one day, he looked me dead in the eyes, and said "I appreciate you."

I wanted to cry and hug him for that!

He made my day! He really did!

His words stuck with me, and so did every positive thing someone has said to me before. I think about those words when I need them, and I hope I never ever forget them.

I don't have anything else at the moment, but I will update this when I need to.

Know that you are loved, if not by me, then by someone else. Your parents, your friends, your family, your co-workers, your partners, and even your pets.
You.
Matter.