Dads best friend... is the monster in my bed...

Lilith Victoria Green

      I was determined to prove to all those snobby doctors that I could get better, that I'll get better. As I spent all the time I wasn't sleeping working on this I was able to prove everyone wrong. My progress was slow but obvious and I was so happy when I finally was able to turn my thoughts into words. There were a lot of funny mistakes and sometimes I would shut down in the middle of the sentence but he was always there to help me get through, no matter if it was a good or bad time. Finally, life was moving in the right direction, just maybe not as fast as I wanted and he was still keeping something from me. I just hated that feeling but I didn't push him into telling me. I was giving him hints that we should talk about all unsaid things... The faster the better.

   One evening after a couple of drinks he finally broke the silence answering all my unasked questions after I forced him to explain our mail.

-I wanted to do this so much earlier but your mental state wasn't good enough and I just needed to be sure that you will be able to understand everything the right way.- He said and I froze up without knowing why.

    After dinner, he unlocked all rooms on the second floor but I wasn't sure what should I understand from this kid's room. I was looking at him all confused after I did a fast room check-up.

-Lilith Victoria Green.- He said giving me a framed picture of a tiny baby and I felt cold run through my whole body. - Born on 21 of March at almost 23 weeks...

-No, don't.- I said trying to walk out. God, I wasn't mentally prepared to hear any of this...

-Just look.- He stopped me showing a short video.- She is a beautiful, curious, and healthy little girl.

     I went through thousands of pictures and hundreds of videos and I couldn't get enough of that tiny baby. Seeing her slowly grow up, take her first wobbly steps, and try to say her first words. Everything about her was adorable and I just wanted to cry. I missed so much of her life...

-Tell me more.- I finally whispered...

-She has two birthdays, the original day when she was born and the second one when we finally left the hospital. Mia and Lucas helped me a lot when things were too hard to handle or when I needed to be in two places at the same time. It was hell on earth but we managed to get through everything. I got you back and we have a perfect little angel with the most beautiful eyes I ever saw. I'm aware that I messed up big time here but I tried to do this as best as I could.

-Where is she?

-She is with my mom—safe and well taken care of.

-Can you say that again?

-She is a perfect little angel with the most beautiful eyes I ever saw. Our perfect little angel. - He repeated what I could listen to all day long and not get tired.

-Again, please.

-As many times you want my love.

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These past few days I was beyond nervous, even the smallest things were too much for me. My mood changed a thousand times in a day. I just wanted to finally meet her and monday looked so far away. All this waiting was killing me, it was an emotional roller-coaster that I wanted to get off as soon as possible...

-What if she doesn't like me?- I asked while walking back and forth.- She doesn't know me, I don't know her...

-You will get dizzy if you keep walking like this. And she knows that you're her mom so please just sit down and relax love.

-I can't relax, this is a lot to take in ...

-We will manage, trust me everything will be fine, okay?

   We stayed up pretty late, mostly to watch some movies and try to spend some time together. It's been a while, more thn a year but somehow  this "romantic evening" turned into something I didn't expect. I could deal with honest rejection or stupid and pointless lies but this just felt like watching movies with a parent, not with a husband.

-As much as I would like to I can't read your mind, so talk to me. Please love

-I don't know, this is just weird.

-Weird how?

-Like you're my dad and not my husband.- I said before getting up. -I'm going to bed. Night.

      Monday, finally it was monday and I was half asleep drinking my third cup of coffee. I wanted monday and when I got it I wasn't ready to face it. 

-We stayed up too long yesterday and you need to be patient with us.- I heard a voice in the background. - You can torture Grandma later but we love Mommy so no games Lil.

   I spent all day watching her. She had his smile and my brattiness but under that wild attitude of hers was a really cute child. My child and my mom's mode turned on without me even noticing it but I couldn't care less what others would think about me overthinking everything...

    The day just flew in front of my eyes and I was tired but good kinda tired. She became my obsession and I knew I looked like a crazy stalker just watching her sleep in her fluffy bed hugging pink stuffed bear.

-You gonna see her tomorrow, don't worry love.

-I know. I'm just thinking.

-Do you wanna talk about what is going on in your head?

-Are we okay? Like I don't know, we are off somehow...- I said meeting silence and it wasn't a good feeling.

-We are off I agree but...

-But?- I interrupted fearing to hear an answer, I wanted this to be over.

-I saw you die not one but three times and I couldn't do anything just pray. I don't believe in praying or God.

-Oh...

-I'm madly in love with you. Her too. I think I just need time to get over everything that happened.

   I thought about what happened but I never thought about what kinda life he was living while I was ''napping''. He never complained or said anything to me.

-In the end, we gonna be fine love, no matter how off we're right now. We gonna be fine, I know it....