Dad Bods {ManXMan} NaNoWriMo 2018✔

{SIXTEEN}

{SIXTEEN}

I couldn't stop pacing in the bedroom after I got home. My nerves were eating me alive and I couldn't face anyone downstairs. I couldn't look my wife in the face, I didn't want to do this to her. But I couldn't say no to Scott. Everything about him just attracted me to him like a magnet. I couldn't stay away from him for long, no matter how much I had tried.

It had been a few days since Scott and I had, had our -- moment, in my office. I wasn't sure how to feel about myself. But I tried to make it known to Janet that something had changed without right telling her that I had kiss someone else, that I was cheating. My first step was sleeping on the couch, mostly because I didn't feel worthy enough to sleep in our bed with her. At first, I had made it seem like an accident. I would watch TV late at night and then just fall asleep on the couch. But by the third day, she had caught on and asked me what was wrong.

I had told her that I just needed some space to think about some things and that everything was fine. That, of course, was half the truth, because yes I did need time to think about somethings, but not everything was fine.

My mind was becoming my enemy. Sure, Scott was great, he was a nice guy and I liked him -- a lot. But he was still young, He was only seven years older than Eric, and he was eleven years younger than me. He could have anything, young, old, but he had kissed me.

Which brought me to the first kiss we shared, I couldn't help but think that I was a rebound for Roger and that soon he would find someone else. What if I broke my marriage up for someone who didn't even want to be with me in the future.

But maybe the marriage ending was a good thing on all fronts, I wasn't happy, and I wanted Janet to be happy. I needed space away from her, and I knew she wasn't vindictive enough to keep the children away from me. They were old enough now to hate me if they wanted to, it was just something we'd have to work with. I was very open to counselling if need be.

Then, the counselling thought always brought me back to the fact that maybe I should try marriage counselling before I do anything too scary, life file divorce papers.

"Janet." It was Saturday morning, Both kids were out doing their own things while Janet walked around in her housecoat and I was in my pajamas.

"Yes, sweetheart?" She sat down beside me on the couch, her coffee in hand as she cradled the mug in the lap, I had my hand in between my thighs, trying not to show how absolutely scared shitless I was to bring up the idea of counselling to her.

"Janet, I've been having a hard time in our marriage as of late. And--" I don't think I can do this. I looked at her, she was biting her lip, looking at me.

"Are you saying you want to.. Break up?" Her eyes were filling, but no tears spilled as she sat there, I reached over, placing a shaking hand on her leg.

"No, Janet. I want to go into counselling, maybe it will help us. Help me. I've been having such a hard time with myself lately, I feel like we need to talk to somebody about it."

"Yes, sure. Of course. Can you tell me what's bothering you? Is it me?"

"No, no it's not you, it's never been you. It's me, I just -- I need to talk to someone about myself before I lose my mind. It's nothing you've done, I promise." I tried to reassure her, but at what cost? Tell her everything was fine when really I was having a war with myself? A war that I've been having since I was a teenager, since before we'd gotten together.

I'll be honest, I love Janet, I always have. But I had my fair share of bad thoughts before her. Just before she and I became a couple I had been in a bad place in my life. Almost mimicking the place I was in now. It started when I was thirteen, my cousin Dylan and I was pretty close. He was a couple years older then I and I were more than thankful when his family had let me move in after my mom had left. Both my parents had been gone for three years at this point in my life and things were confusing for me. It was even more confusing when Dylan had brought home a close from of him - Timothy - He was about sixteen, and was the focal point in my teenage years. He used to come to the house every weekend, most weeknights and spent a lot of time hanging out with Dylan and I. Mostly Dylan of course because they were friends. At first, I thought nothing of the feelings that would arise when Tim was around. I passed it off as being excited to have a friend, I had moved acorss state to move in with my aunt and uncle and making friends was something that, though easy, was something I was still getting the hang of in my awkward early teenage years.

One night while Timothy was sleeping over he had come into my room, and we had our first kiss. It was something I always tried to forget, being gay was not normal, or at least not according to my uncle Grant and Aunt Heather. Timothy had come out of the closest two weeks after our kiss, not because we had something going on. But just because he could. After that Dylan and I could not hang out with him and he wasn't welcomed at our house anymore. Not long after Timothy, just vanished. He was no longer at school and Dylan of course never spoke of him. It was something that had bothered me growing up and still does to this day.

So when I met Janet, and she had admitted she had a crush on me, who was I to say no to her. I had grown to love her, maybe not in the same way she had grown to love me, not in the way I should love her. But she was such a heavy piece of my heart that I don't think I could lose her. And when we found out about Eric, well I wasn't going to leave her then of course. It wasn't guilt that kept me, I want to make that clear. I didn't stay with her because we were having a child, but because in my mind I loved her like a man should love a woman, I knew no different.

But now, I was starting to see that there was a difference. And that difference had tattoo's on his arms, brown eyes, messy blond hair and kissed me as I had never been kissed before. 

Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes, They meant the world to me, you have no idea♡

Congratulations to  VictoriaRose0000 on guessing the right number in my contest! you all did amazing, thank you for all the guesses!

Question: How are you liking Dad Bods so far? What do you think of Scott and Sidney?