To You I Pledge (BBC Merlin)

Chapter 17 - My Lady Morgana

It was another day before he had time to see Morgana and she had time to see him without Arthur asking awkward questions. In the end Merlin told a small white lie that Gaius needed his help while Arthur was off with his knights, but in reality he found himself at Morgana's door. There he knocked and waited.

"Come in," Morgana's voice called out, so he entered.

The bright smile Morgana gave him did not help settle the nerves he was feeling, but he did smile back.

"Merlin," she greeted, putting down what she was doing, "how nice to see you. You've managed to get away from your slave driver then?"

"I hid," Merlin replied in kind and went over to sit down when Morgana patted the seat next to her.

Normally Gwen would be there as well, but Merlin had asked to speak to Morgana alone, so Gwen had simply nodded, patted him on the arm and gone to find something to do. Gwen was probably the most wonderful human being he knew; she had not even tried to ask. He thought she probably knew that Morgana was as talented magically in her own way as he was, but he couldn't be sure, so he needed to speak to Morgana first.

"What brings you to see me, Sir Sorcerer?" Morgana asked, with mock grandness.

Merlin considered beating around the bush a little, maybe making small talk, but then discarded it in favour of just speaking plainly from the start.

"Your dreams, My Lady," he said in the most gentle tone he could manage.

"Why would you worry about my dreams?" Morgana asked, suddenly nervous and looking away from him.

"Because we both know they are not just dreams," he replied and she finally looked back at him.

Morgana had warned him about the questing beast and denial just didn't work anymore, but Merlin knew how hard it was to admit something like this in Camelot.

"I think I can help," he said when Morgana did not speak, "but I cannot unless you give me permission to tell Arthur what I am doing."

There was pale and then there was the colour Morgana's face went at that idea.

"How can you help?" she asked, voice tight and a little defensive.

"I believe there are ways to control them," he said, speaking honestly since he was not completely sure, "and I am allowed to study magic; I could find out more. I could help you in secret so that no one else would have to know. I am not a seer, but I feel you need help and, as far as the court is concerned, I could be one. If you had a path to use these visions they might not hurt you so much."

Morgana sat quietly for a little while, looking at him and then glancing out the window and then looking back and he could see that she was distressed, but he did not interrupt her thoughts. This had to be her decision and even though he knew which way he wanted her to choose, he could not force her.

"But you cannot do this for me without telling Arthur?" she finally said.

Merlin nodded.

"I have sworn to him no more secrets about magical things," he explained, just as he had done to Gaius, "and I cannot break that oath. I know you do not always see eye to eye, Morgana, but you must know that he will not abandon you in this."

He was a little surprised when she reached out and took his hand.

"I know, Merlin," she said earnestly, "but I have spent so much of my life pretending that all they were was dreams. I feel that they are not, but admitting this, even to myself, is so difficult."

That was not difficult to believe, but Merlin was determined.

"I fear for you, Morgana," he said, speaking plainly and to her, not to her title or her position, just to Morgana as his friend. "I do not have your gift; I cannot see the future, but sometimes I have a sense of what is to come. I caught a fleeting glimpse of Arthur as he must be, which was why I pledged myself to him, and now I fear for you. I fear this great burden will take you from us unless you share it."

He had not intended to frighten Morgana, but he could see she feared the same herself and her fingers squeezed his hand in an unconscious gesture.

"But you can help me?" Morgana asked in a small voice, very un-Morgana like.

This was a woman who wore trousers and fought with a sword better than he did when she felt like it and to see her so afraid of what was in her own head was awful. There was no choice about this.

"I can," he said, because he felt that he had to and that his instincts would not be urging him into this unless there was something he could do.

They sat for a few more moments, just looking at each other and Merlin felt almost kindred to Morgana in those moments.

"Then I give my permission," Morgana finally said. "I do not know how to tell him myself, but you may share this secret with Arthur."

It felt like a weight was being lifted, or the sun was coming out from behind a cloud and Merlin was completely certain he had done the right thing.

"Thank you," he said and squeezed her hand back.

"It is I who should be thanking you," Morgana replied and finally smiled again. "You are a ray of light in this kingdom, Merlin," she told him; "a ray of hope that shines for all of us. I do not know where we would be without you."

Merlin felt himself blushing; he wasn't used to compliments.

~*~

"You weren't helping Gaius," was the first thing Arthur said to Merlin when they met again and Arthur did not sound happy; "I met him while returning here."

They were in Arthur's room.

"No," Merlin replied in a open a voice as he knew how, "I was doing something else that I couldn't tell you about then, not until I had spoken to the person I needed to see. I was with Morgana."

That headed off whatever Arthur had been planning to say; clearly Arthur hadn't been thinking that at all.

"Morgana," Arthur asked, clearly confused, "why Morgana?"

"Her dreams are not just bad dreams," he replied simply and poured Arthur a class of ale simply because he needed to do something as well as talk.

That earned him a very appraising look.

"And you have known this how long?" Arthur asked.

"A while," Merlin explained, being true to his word; no more lies about magic, "since before all this, but it was not my secret to give or I would have told you as soon as I was able. That is why I went to see her, to ask permission to tell you. Morgana's dreams are slowly driving her mad, but I know I can help her, only I could not help her without telling you, so I had to speak with her privately. I am sorry I deceived you."

It took Arthur a while to digest all of that information, so Merlin passed him the beaker of ale and waited. It was a tense moment.

"I understand," Arthur finally told him and he let out the breath he had been holding.

Tension between him and Arthur was something he just couldn't deal with at the moment.

"So how do we help her?" Arthur asked and Merlin found himself smiling at the 'we' part of that.

"Well I'll need to do some digging to find out things," he said, going through the plans he had started making in his head, "and I'm going to suddenly have a new sideline in prophetic dreams which it would be most useful if you could mention to your father in a way that won't make him decide to cut off my head."

Arthur rolled his eyes at that.

"Nothing difficult then," was the resigned response.

Merlin had known he could count on Arthur, but that didn't stop him being pleased when it was proved true.