She Is Beautiful

Fourteen

Fourteen
Exploding

Some point in our life, we will reach our limit. We will explode. We will lose it. We will take it as there is no tomorrow.

That some point in Alona's life came the next day she went to school. Outside their classroom, somebody tossed a plastic bag to her feet.

"At least just don't stand there and throw it away."

"Yeah. She even got you a garbage bag."

"You're actually expecting the cleaning lady to pick up your own dirty blood for you?"

Alona was not sure what they were talking about at first. When a boy shouted in horror and she turned around to look, following the boy's eyes down to the floor, Alona instinctively moved her legs back. The boy had stepped on something. A leaking tampon.

The boy cursed. Staring angrily at Alona and raising his arm only to put it down, he yelled, "What are you gonna do with my shoe?! You just defiled it with your fuc—"

"I'm not even on my period!" Alona did not look down nor look away as she usually did before. She met the boy's scowl. "But so what if it's mine? Defiled?! Why don't you go through these painful one week once a month, go through these troublesome staining and washing and putting inside and come back here and I'll call you a defiling person?! Oh, actually, let me call your thing defiling!"

"You greasy pig—"

Interrupting what the girl who had rushed out—maybe because the boy was her boyfriend—had to say, Alona bumped her arm on the girls flat stomach. "Here, eat me."

"What?" The girl covered her mouth with her palm, retching.

"Why not? You said I'm a greasy pig. Isn't a greasy pig still a pig? Don't tell me you don't eat pigs? You go around eating bacon and ham but you can't eat me?"

The girl, recovering from the earlier feeling of nausea, scoffed. "Why don't you eat your skin then? You go around eating bacon and ham too. Such a hypocrite."

"I never told myself I'm a pig," Alona scoffed back. To the crowd of students who had gathered to watch an entertaining show featuring her again, she burst tearfully, "In case you'd like to satisfy your egos, yes, I hated myself a lot because you all tell me and show me over and over again that I'm ugly, but I never thought I am. I'm also a person. I'm also human.” Alona put her bag down, pulling out the small packet of tissue inside her bag's side pocket. "Call me names all you want, I don't care." The tissues in her hand, she wiped the bright red blood that had leaked from the tampon, then picked up the tampon with another tissue and shoved them into the plastic bag that someone flung to her feet a few minutes ago.

Alona's mind was only filled with one thing as she threw the plastic bag into a nearby garbage bin. Pig? It bothered her. At break time, when she ordered a bacon sandwich and the animal pig popped up in her mind again, she changed it with sweet potato fries.

"Why? Can't I eat a patty burger too?"

Alona shook her head. She had stopped chewing and stared at Giselle as she pulled the chair across her and sat. "No. I'm wondering why you're eating with me. Look around. Everybody's peering at us."

Giselle laughed. "Others would wonder in surprise to see that the thin me eat burgers too."

"So," Alona resumed eating, "why are you eating with me?"

"I just want to." Giselle smiled. "I was too busy pleasing others and caring for what they have to say that I was not me anymore."

"I understand you, I do. But you'll lose your friends if you continue sitting here."

"You don't lose your friends if they are true friends, Alona." Giselle gestured if she could have some of Alona's fries and Alona nodded, pushing her plate towards her. "I like it better this way. Now I'm not too busy."

***

Eusebio sat next to her in class and when she saw the five other boys entering after her, she inquired, "They're not suspended?"

"My Mom forgave them." Eusebio lowered his voice, as if afraid that the boys would thwack him again with their rulers for being so loud. "And I did too."

"Do you think they won't do it again?"

Eusebio just shrugged. "Either they learn or we die. Or either they don't learn or we survive." He glanced at her. "You were really cool this morning."

Mr. Higgins started the class and Alona thought of what happened four hours ago. She went home, and their Mom and Lawrence were standing on their doorsteps. Instead of upbraiding her, giving her a mouthful, her Mom enfolded her arms in hers. Her Mom only held her close once. That Christmas when their Dad left. It was a vaguely awkward situation. She was going to pull back, but she didn't when she saw her brother shaking his head in disapproval, reading her mind. Instead, she returned her Mom's embrace.

"She was worried sick," Lawrence had told her, following her to her room. "What were you thinking, dummy?"

"It's nearly a year. I never saw Dad," Alona pulled from her wardrobe her merlot Adventure Time towel, "while you did so behind my back. How many times?"

"I didn't want to see him." If it wasn't a serious family affair, Lawrence would have been shaking with laughter now, ever since he saw his sister's long face, and at the sight of Alona struggling on her flannels and sheets. But he didn't. And he didn't want to tell her. That their Dad whom she liked so much got a new family now. That their Dad never liked her since she was born. Lawrence never once thought that it was possible for a parent to hate their own child, but no, their Dad proved him wrong. He sighed. How could he weave the words right so they wouldn't hurt Alona? He looked at Alona. "Come talk to me again when you're ready. When you're done with your Dad partisanship."

Alona knew she would always respect her Dad. And put him first before her Mom or Lawrence regardless of whatever Lawrence has to say to her. It was only his Dad who cared for her, after all. Her Mom was lying. About her Dad not wanting her. So she didn't see any point in talking to Lawrence.

Alona bestirred herself to the present. She stared at her phone in her hand. No calls from Mrs. Neil yet. With a sour face, she grabbed her bag and was going to walk over to Charles, but his seat was empty.

"He's at Nagoya Aichi's," Eusebio whispered as he passed by her. "He helps there every Tuesday."

Alona mouthed a thank you. When she reached Nagoya's though, caught Charles' attention and asked for his Mom's number, Charles sent her away.

"I didn't bring my phone. And I'm kind of busy," was all that he said before going back to assisting a customer.

Alona was baffled. But she left the shop anyway. She admitted she was inconveniencing him, but was a simple dictation of a ten-digit number too much a hassle? Yes, yes of course. She stopped at the next store to buy more horror DVDs, trying not to think much of Charles' sharp change of behaviour. Right, he left his phone, and he just hadn't memorized his Mom's number. He's on his shift, it's just not right to chatter during work hours.

"Alona, is that you? Oh, sweetie! It's been so long!"

Just a year, Alona responded in her mind. She almost didn't recognize Ruth. She had gotten skinnier since the last time she saw her. She was paler, her flaxen natural curly locks were longer, and she wore lighter make-up compared to before. That dummy Lawrence. It was such a waste that they didn't end up together. But well, it'd be a waste for Ruth. She's undeniably gorgeous—

"Let's go for a coffee somewhere?" Ruth cut her musing. "You've gotten prettier."

Ruth was smiling at her so sweetly that Alona couldn't help but grow fonder of her. She was a younger version of Mrs. Neil. Never made derogatory remarks towards her. She was a warm person, a very genial girl. Alona walked behind her graceful steps, and when she talked about Lawrence, Alona regretted agreeing for a coffee. She regretted following her.