Deathless

Chapter 23: Millie

Where I once had feet, I now have bloody and blister-covered stumps of flesh. I groan as I finally peel my heels off my feet. Walking barefoot down your average city street is beyond stupid, but I don't physically think I could take another step if I didn't.

I'd run from the club, feeling ridiculous, feeling small, and feeling used. I was angry at Jackson but equally pissed off at myself. He'd reacted in a predictable Jackson fashion. Just as I'd felt his walls cracking suddenly, they'd shot back up. And I should have known it would happen. I just wish it hadn't happened after what we'd done in his office. The more I remembered his touch, the way he'd watched me, the grit in his voice as he'd commanded me to open my eyes, the more my chest ached. The more the tears threatened to drop once more. I'd been painfully naïve, and I hated that. My pride had been crushed, and I didn't have the one person in the world I needed to help me put myself back together.

I'd been walking for nearly two hours, but I was finally on my street. The neat identikit houses on either side glow bluish in the harsh street light. The silence booms and I'm grateful for the small signs of life making me feel less alone. A miaowing cat, the odd car in the distance, even the sound of the occasional TV.

The air is frosty, but it's pleasant against my face, hot from exertion and crying. The skin on my bare legs prickles in the nighttime breeze. I've wrapped my arms around myself, seeking my own comfort in the absence of any other.

A car screeches into the top of my street. I turn instinctively. Lights blind me and I gasp. It takes another second for my body to release itself after freezing to the spot. Jackson slips out of the car, but he doesn't shut the door. He just leaves it there. Lights burning, car engine purring in the street. He sees me, his mouth set in a tight line.

"Millie!" he cries. I exhale and turn back around. Resuming my walk to Roisin's house. I hear him running towards me, his footsteps slapping on the concrete, breathing hard.

"Millie, wait....", his hand goes to my shoulder but I pull away fast before even looking at him.

"Don't touch me. Don't ever touch me again. Understand. Now get off my street."

I keep walking. Anger fuels me as I find the energy from somewhere. I speed up, eyes fixed on Roisin's door like a beacon.

"Millie, please let me explain. Just give me a chance..."

I spin on the spot before I can stop myself. I don't want to speak to him. I don't trust myself to even look at him. But rage is making red dots dance before my eyes, making my blood pump loud in my ears, making me feel swelteringly hot even in the chilly night.

"No. I don't need to do anything. I don't need to listen to any more excuses or hear any more lies. I don't need to listen to a single thing that comes out of your mouth. You are a coward and liar. And I'm not wasting any more time on you."

As I speak, I feel a little of my resolve fade. Even lit in the harsh glow of street lamps, he is the most beautiful man I have ever seen, but it's more than that now. He's become more. It's the familiarity of him that hurts, of knowing this might be the last time I see that face, that hair, those glinting eyes. I don't want to let him go, but he doesn't want to be mine. He flinches, his body slumping under the weight of my words. I turn again, the tears returning. They bubble in the corner of my eyes.

"What happened tonight... I didn't know that I would have been your first. I didn't mean to... freak out... I just...."

Twisting again, I clench my teeth as the rough ground tears what little skin I have left on my soles off my feet.

"Don't flatter yourself, Jackson Mort. If you think I was going to have sex with you on that desk, you are out of your tiny mind. I might not be experienced in that way, but I know who I am and what I want. You didn't push me, and I wouldn't have gone further than I was ready to. You might think I'm some stupid girl you have some kind of hold over, but you don't. I make my own choices and tonight I made a bad one."

I storm away. The anger turning my stomach into a living nest of serpents. I want to be sick. I want to scream, but most of all, I want to cry. And I'm tired of him seeing my tears. He doesn't deserve any of them.

"I don't think that. Millie..."

"Leave me alone."

"No." His voice is firm. Adamant. It surprises me and I turn around. His face is set, but it softens when I stare up at him. He runs his fingers across his face and through his hair. For the first time, I notice the scratches. The droplets of blood on his collar. What the hell has he been doing?

"I know I've hurt you. I know I've pushed you away, but I won't do that anymore. You're right, you've been right all alone. I never wanted you as a friend. I've wanted more, I've always wanted more..."

"You're out of chances. You're too late."

"I was scared. Scared to lose you, but I couldn't keep away."

"Bullshit. Why would you lose me? You know what I want."

"I was scared to lose you... like I lost her."

I take a step towards him, the wetness of my blood cold against my skin. I get ready to yell, to scream some more, but then I see his face. He's looking down, horror etched across his face. His chest rising and falling heavily. When he looks up, I see his eyes shine with wetness. There is no mask, no armour, just a man. Finally, painfully revealed. A truth he has been hiding for a very long time.

"Who... who did you lose?"

He swallows hard, breathing deeply like admitting this is so hard he's cracking open his chest to reveal his red beating heart to me. I want to run to him, to hold him, but I need this. I need him to tell me everything.

"Her name was Camille, and she died a long time ago. She was taken from me, and..."

He rubs the back of his hand across his face, and I see the wetness glisten in the streetlights. I move forward, and he inhales deeply. My hand goes to his face, and I touch the warmth of his skin and he moves his cheek deeper into my palm.

"When I first saw you, you reminded me of her. I don't even see it now, but at first glance, I saw something. When I spoke to you at Worship I was trying to prove to myself you were nothing like her. I thought it would get you out of my head. But you are entirely different, and I still couldn't walk away. I didn't want to. I haven't wanted anything so much in my life as I want you."

"What was she like?" His words have blown through everything, smashed through all my rage. All I see is his pain, a raw wound still trying to heal.

"Sweet, gentle... quite frankly, you'd have terrified her." I snort and look away, fighting a small smile. "Truth is, I didn't know her well. She was a dream I'd built a life around. We'd have been happy together, lived a nice life, but I was a very different person then. I'm not sure the person I am now would have made her happy. The person I am now belongs with you and only you. If you still want me, I'll never let you go."

I swallow hard. He takes my hand from his face. Presses his lips to my knuckles and everything in me melts. I feel a wetness on my cheeks and realise I'm crying. All my barriers, all my pride, come crashing down around me. I can't let this man go.

"If... if we do this. There can't be any more secrets, no more half-truths. You have to be all in Jackson. I can't... I won't do this again."

He creeps forward like he's scared if he moves too fast I'll run away from him.

"I'm all yours, gorgeous. For as long as you want me."

He wraps his arms around me, pulling me close till I'm pressed against his chest. His heart's beating fast under my palms, his face dips down. His mouth, soft and inviting, so close to mine.

"And what if I plan to keep you? What if I can never let you go?"

"Then don't." He doesn't say anymore, he can't. I cover his lips with mine, and every kiss is a prayer. No more lies. No more secrets. No more holding back.