Deathless

Chapter 24: Millie

"This is impressive work. You've listened to my feedback and I'm really getting a true sense of you and your life." Professor Smithson beams at me before she looks back down at her laptop and continues to flick through the photos I'd sent her. I'm standing awkwardly at her side in her office, trying to stop the flush creeping up my neck from feeling so exposed. The small room is a little bigger than a cleaning cupboard, and the sweltering room's air is thick with dust and photographic chemicals. A tiny window is letting in the midday sun, scorching my skin.

Mum had been my world for so long, putting together a project of our life together had felt natural and obvious. It was only when Smithson had pointed out that it was Mum's life she was looking at and not mine that I understood where I was going wrong. These new photos were a mixture of shots of myself, Mum, Roisin, and Jackson. A lot of Jackson. My world. There may be a gaping hole in the middle, a wound that may never heal, but I had more in my life than just Mum now. Even if acknowledging it filled me with aching guilt.

"Thanks, Millie. Keep at it, but I'm thrilled with how it's progressing."

She smiles at me, and I slip out of her office. The hallway is cooler and I fill my lungs in one great gulp before heading toward the student union. It's lunchtime, so bustling with people in groups eating and laughing at the generic white desks. The walls are anything but bland though, artwork from students, and posters for upcoming events all line the walls. The smells of food and lingering art materials fill the air.

I slip into the nearest empty desk and open my laptop. I go back to some of my photos taken the night before. It was a normal night, or what had become a normal night for me and Jackson. Us walking hand in hand along the river, enjoying the dark, cool January nights. Or us laughing and talking together in his flat. He'd even spent a few evenings at Roisin's. After her initial distrust, she was smitten with him now. The few weeks we'd been together had flown by and being with him was even better than I'd imagined. If there was a niggling part of me, hissing in my ear that there was more to learn about Jackson Mort, I was too busy enjoying these hazy days to listen to it.

"They're amazing, Mills. He photographs like a dream."

I shut the lid and turn to see Chloe standing sheepishly before me. She looks different, more like the Chloe I remember from my childhood. Her blonde hair is around her shoulders, not in tumbling-styled waves but in its natural straightness. Her make-up is all peaches and golds, bringing out the honey of her skin and the ocean blue of her eyes. She looks gorgeous because she is gorgeous, just more like herself than a carbon copy of Marnie.

"Hi," she says shyly, hugging her sketchbook to her chest. "I know we haven't talked since..."

"What makes you think I want to talk now?" My voice is harsh. Chloe flinches, but I don't care. Looking at her makes me feel frozen like I did that night. All alone on the floor outside Worship, knowing she'd left me. That I wasn't worth waiting a few extra moments for.

"I know, and I get it. I just..." She sighs and sits down in the seat opposite me.

"I didn't say you could sit down..."

"I feel terrible for what I did, what we did." She rushes into her excuses before I can say anymore. I look away, but my eyes can't focus on anything else. "And I wanted to apologise ages ago, but I just felt so guilty. And embarrassed. When I saw you before Christmas at the club with that guy again, it just made me realise how stupid I'd been."

Exhaling, I turn away, avoiding her eyes. Not sure what to say. She sighs and looks around the room, scanning the space, but her watery eyes linger on nothing. When she talks again, there's a crack in her voice.

"You remember who I was at school? I was a nobody. And that felt like the worst thing in the world..."

"Oh.... I can think of worse things." I snap, and she flushes, but her lips tighten stubbornly and she continues.