after this night (camren)

14. Camila

"Every single one"

......

After the first dance, Dinah tugged her friends to the floor while Marcello belted out a karaoke version of Matchbox Twenty's "Overjoyed" I felt the soprano's voice literally vibrate through the reception hall, his Broadway belt glittering with energy and strength as he wowed the crowd, "He's totally going to win a Tony for Best Actress in a Musical, isn't he?" I asked Lauren, with chills on my arms as a result of Marcello's talent.

"Honestly, I don't see how he can't. He brings down the house every single night in Crash the Moon"

Once Marcello stepped off the stage, the music shifted back to the sound system and Billie Holiday's jazzy voice warbled through the speakers, "My best friend loves the old standards. Sinatra, Holiday, the King" I said by way of explanation.

"As do I" she said, taking my hand and leading me to the dance floor as "All or Nothing At All" piped overhead.

Lauren's hands found their way to my hips, settling in comfortably as I roped my arms around her neck, my fingertips brushing against her soft, thick hair. The song played as other couples danced, and we swayed past Marcello and Alexa, and Normani and Dinah. I kept my gaze on Lauren, loving the intensity in her eyes, "I'm glad you're here" I said, because it felt so much better to be patently honest with her that to deny what I felt. I'd flopped back and forth between shooing my feelings out the door and acting upon them. I didn't want the back and forth anymore.

"So am I"

We twirled in lazy circles, as the words and music filled the room.

The words pulsed around me like living, breathing creatures, then slipped into all the crevices of my hardened heart. They reminded me that halfway was the worst way. I'd tried so desperately to pack myself in ice, to feel nothing at all those nights at Austin's games, but instead, I'd felt everything. I felt the shame of Shawn's betrayal, the anger at being Austin's pawn, and the cruel distance I had kept with the woman I was falling for. I'd always thought I was protecting my family and friends by keeping my own secrets, but the events of this morning outside the salon were a cold reminder that blindfolding them to my problems might not work forever. Whether I liked it or not, I might very well need help. Lauren had offered to listen, to sort through things. I knew she couldn't snap a finger and make my debt magically disappear, but maybe she could at least be there for me as I raced to meet Austin's moving target of a deadline.

"Lauren" I began nervously, and already I could hear the potholes in my own voice. I'd have an easier time speaking with marbles in my mouth than saying this.

"Yes?" she asked, tugging me closer, warming my skin with her body.

All or nothing at all. If it's love there is no in-between.

Billie Holiday whispered in my ear, urging me on, reminding me to be strong, "You know when you asked me that night at my apartment what was going on?"

"Yes" she said, like a gentle invitation for me to keep speaking. I could do this. I could tell her. After all, she'd flown all the way across the country. She'd opened her heart to me, taking chances left and right that I'd barely earned. She wanted my honesty more than anything else, and though I might scare her all the way back to California when I told her, I also knew she wasn't a woman who trafficked in fear. This woman could take on anyone.

"I'm ready to tell you" I said, the words tumbling on top of each other, jostling to break free.

"Tell me" she said, gripping my hips harder as her eyes widened. She stopped dancing, grasped my hand, and guided me outside of the reception hall.