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"fight for it."
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There is something so enticing, captivating, and all-encompassing about love. It's natural, instinctive, and unavoidable.
Or so I've seen, in books and movies.
I grew up like most girls, desperate for the kind of love perfectly curated on screens. Written out meticulously, yet played off so naturally. Which is why part of me is so scared of it in real life, the idea that it may not live up to the expectations set by authors and producers.
However, despite this, I use books and movies as a way to fill that hole. Whether it helps or fuels the fire of my desperation, I don't actually know.
What I do know, is that this is probably incredibly over-dramatic. I mean I'm only a couple years into university with my whole life ahead of me, but I still can't avoid the feeling that I'm behind.
Behind all my friends and family that have found someone, someone they love.
Whether that be because I'm unlucky, too eager, or unlovable, is also something I'm not sure of.
I try and tell myself it's because I'm impatient, after all, I'm young with so much time still ahead of me.
I try and convince myself it's just because I haven't had the luck of crossing paths with the person I'm meant to spend my life with.
But the argument that has managed to convince me the most, the idea that bleeds into me with every second, and consumes my mind by the hour, is that I'm merely unlovable.
However dramatic that conclusion may seem, it looks pretty damn realistic to me. I consider myself a pretty insecure person, which is why the fact that I'm in my second year of university and have never had my first kiss, date, or boyfriend is such a hard fact for me to get over and ignore.
And so I bury myself into the pages of books, living vicariously through each character, getting a chance to become familiar with the emotions and feelings I can only dream of.
However, in the last few weeks, I've found myself relying on books to be less frequent. The need to search for feelings of love, admiration, and desire, outside of my own life, has become faint.
The change that brought about this, I'm not entirely sure, nor am I ready to admit it to myself.
The front door opening has me ripped from my deep thoughts and I look up at the boys, getting home from their game.
Their calm demeanour is unusual and my eyes scan them frantically, looking for any sign of what happened tonight.
Luke walks in the door first, his eyes meet mine and he shoots me a half-hearted smile. Next Theo comes in, his hockey bag slung over his shoulder and his hair covered by a hat. I furrow my brows at him, silently asking him about their current state. Instead of an answer, he just walks past me and shoots me a sympathetic smile, one similar to Luke's. Owen and Mason follow as they skulk through the door and actively avoid my gaze.
